I'm 20, at uni, and had a surgical abortion at 11 weeks

I had a surgical abortion at just over 11 weeks, three weeks ago now.

I'm 20, at uni away from home and the father was just casual sex, who was in a relationship with someone else.

I kept a bit of a short blog, and I thought it may be helpful to someone else out there having the same emotional whirlwind.

My Abortion Blog

Since I found out a long 18 days ago, I think I have experienced such a mix of emotions.

Firstly; pure fear - fear I was too late to abort- fear fear fear. I was calm a few hours after and the moment I found out I didn't react at all, in fact I went out to see my friends as pre-arranged.

I knew (call it this famous woman's intuition I never used to believe in) that the biggest feeling of 'worry' just that I was out of control- I was forced into taking action, speaking to someone, admiting my problem... scratch that... situation.

I couldn't eat, talk, sit still, sleep, I was a mess. Then a numbness- a disappointment in myself- that I would get myself into this situation, I guess I was dealing with the reality, but being too much I tried to beat away the idea of having to keep the baby (if I was over the 24 week mark) I felt trapped and started to believe what a horrid and evil person I was.

I was/am so cold it was untrue, I still haven't thought of this as my 'baby' its an unwanted thing- I only cried one night on the phone to one of my best guy mates- and that was when discussing the person I have turned into- I would never have slept about with taken men before uni, I would never have been so careless in life.

Write down your feelings

I'd really recommend writing down your feelings, because I remember how scared and desperate I was, how worried I was that it would be too late and be out of my control, my obsession with time and every day mattered- the quicker I got booked in the better, a hatred for my body as it changed or I noticed symptoms, the way I was permanently on the internet finding sites like this for advice and just information on where and what to do.

Now I look back, I can see how my thought processes changed and how I came to my decision, which was best for me.

This story was sent in on 02/06/2010 and it's been viewed 2,115 times.

Editor's comment

Your blog was helpful in conveying the intensity of different emotions that dominate your thinking as you work through this crisis.

I can understand why you wanted to take control of your situation and make a quick decision. I think it's also important to think it through carefully and be sure that this is right with you and it's something you can live with long term.

It's such a big decision that it's important to get all the information you need, talk it through, and don't allow fear to pressurise you before you are sure.

If you want information or counselling help, there are independent centres around the country for face to face help and support in your decision - find a centre for crisis/unplanned pregnancy support in your area.

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