A surgical abortion after a failed vasectomy

Well where do I start - this has been a very long and still upseting journey for me.
I decided on a surgical abortion. I am happily married with two children daughter 14 - son 5. I have been with my husband for 18 years. My husband and I both decided after our son that we did not want any more children and both talked about being sterilised.
My husband thought I had been through enough [2 sections] so said he would have a vasectomy, which he had done in early 07. He done 3 sperm samples like they ask at the beginning and all came back clear. We felt relieved that finally we were complete as a family and our sex life was great no more worries about falling pregnant, how wrong were we!!!!

A failed vasectomy

I done a pregnancy test [May 10] as I was a week over due and had a metallic taste in my mouth. My husband was out at the time and I suppose I just thought it was going to come back negative - well it was positive. I just went to pieces, what if my husband thought I had been unfaithful. I told my husband what had happened re the pregnancy test and he was fantastic - I said straight away I did not want another baby.
I went to the doctors and asked about abortion to which the doctor asked "have you been with anyone else as this is very uncommon?". I was given a form for a clinic to arrange an abortion. I contacted the clinic and was booked in that week.
I was shocked at how busy it was at the clinic. We had several procedures to go through and then went to a room with a consultant who done an abdomen scan. He was also shocked that my husband had a vasectomy, yet I was sat here saying I was pregnant. He sent me to do another urine sample which he tested and it came back positive [this was test number 4]. I then hopped onto the couch and he looked confused as he could not see anything. I then went into another room for a vaginal scan and still nothing, so was sent away for a further two weeks.

You are pregnant 7+5 with a healthy heartbeat

I was sent for a scan at the EPU by my doctor as he was concerned it was ectopic. I had told the lady at the unit my circumstances and was sent into a room to have another vaginal scan - the lady said to me yes you are pregnant your dates are spot on 7 +5 with a healthy heartbeat. I just cried and cried, she then asked would you like to see, my response was no. I came away feeling the most cruelest person in the world.
I started to get morning sickness and was feeling yuck and my breasts were so tender. I would cry everyday but thankfully had the support of my husband. We went to the clinic on a Saturday and was sent straight into a room for another scan. The consultant said yes it was now showing and a normal pregnancy 6 +6. I was numb and my husband had tears, the consultant said we were both quiet [sorry for not jumping for joy] and were we sure of our decision. I looked at my husband in the hope he was going to say "lets get out of here" but he didn't so I said "yes".
We were then sent to another area and just sat cuddling each other.
I was then called into another area with 3 other women and had to say goodbye to my husband. I was sat waiting for probably 15mins before being called into another room. I was shown a cubicle and told to strip from the bottom and put a sarong around me and then to have a wee. I done the sarong and went into the toilet where I sobbed - I looked down at my tummy and told my baby that I loved it and was so sorry that I had to do this and I was not a cruel person.
I went back into the cubicle to wait and then was called into theatre. The nurse told me to get on the couch, the two surgeons introduced themselves to me and 1 of them put a canular into my arm. I was asked several questions - when it went quiet I kept saying to myself just get up and walk out, tell them you have changed your mind, but I was worried what my husband would say as he seemed adamant that we were not in a situation to have any more. The consultant said I would feel sleepy and then I woke up with someone saying my name and in the waiting area.
I was given a warm pack to put over my tummy and some paracetamol, within 5 mins I was up getting changed. I had to have a biscuit and drink before they would let me leave. I was given a talk about how would I avoid any further pregnancies - I honestly thought my husband having a vasectomy would of sorted that. I saw my husband down in the waiting area and just cried. I no longer had the sickness feeling but my breasts were still tender. I did not bleed straight away this happened on the 3rd day.

I hate myself for getting rid of our baby

I have not coped very well and have been to see my doctor who told me everything I was feeling is normal, however if I was still like it in a week to go back. I have an appointment for next week and hopefully will be referred for counselling. The procedure itself was fine but the guilt and emotions I am having to deal with are not. I keep getting flashbacks, crying, angry and hate myself for getting rid of our baby. I keep asking myself why was this baby different to the two we already have. My children would of had a brother or sister and I have taken that away from them.
I did not have a one night stand, this was a loving relationship so why did we go through with the abortion. I also keep thinking how far along was I when the abortion was done 8+2 or 6+6............. My husband had his results back from the docotor it was a failed vasectomy, the failure rate is 1 in 2000 we were that unlucky 1.
I am going for a consultation next week to be sterilised. Please be 100% that an abortion is right for you because you can not change it once it has happened.
Thinking of you all who have been through an abortion, it is a hard decision to make.

Editor's Comment

I am very sorry that you have had such a difficult experience. I have met 2 other people with failed vasectomy, and it brings the realisation that no contraception is 100% safe. It is such a shock when something that you considered was so certain went wrong and that probably catapulted you into a decision before you were able to think it all through.
I think post abortion counselling would help you to work through some of the emotions you mentioned such as guilt, anger, and regret. I would encourage you to go to a trained post abortion counsellor who has experience in supporting women like yourself through this process. You can follow the link find a centre for post abortion support in your area. or call the national helpline for more details 0300 4000 999.

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