An abortion 25 years ago

About 25 years ago I had an abortion. I felt like I was a murderer. I hated myself and could only see a deep black hole, no self worth, loneliness. I felt suicidal and tried to take my own life many times. I was angry, angry that it was evil and dishonest.
Then one day I went to church. I felt different when I came out, but still very depressed. I was offered counselling which I took. I was afraid - anxiety stepped into me, what would the counsellor think of me? The first session was quite nerve racking, but when I came out I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I was able to share my story with other people for the first time

I was only 18 years old when I was pregnant with my first child. He was born in April, 26 years ago. My husband was violent and mentally abusive. It was like living in hell, I was always covering up for him.
A year later, when I found out I was pregnant again, my Mum and Dad didn't talk to me, except to tell me to have an abortion. I didn't want an abortion but because of the way things were in my life, and the lack of support I felt I had, I decided to have an abortion.

It was very painful and scary

Going to counselling enabled me to open up the last 25 years of my life. It was very painful and scary, not knowing whether these people would be able to help me. We went through the time around my abortion and went on what we call 'a journey'. I was able to talk about how evil and worthless I felt.
Then one day I thought 'I am going to name my daughter E....'. That made me feel very contented.
My next step is to make a memorial for her and me. God is with her - it took a lot of courage to let go, but in letting her go, I feel I have found peace, and the quality of my life now feels better. I feel my broken heart has almost mended, and that I have hope for the future.

Editor's Comment

It must have taken a lot of courage to ask for help after 25 years. I think many women are trapped because of fears about what people will think of them. Its important to find a place where you feel safe and unconditionally accepted. I am glad you received help from the pregnancy centre in Plymouth and have been able to work through some of these very painful emotions.
This story was sent in on 27/10/2010 and it's been viewed 1,044 times.

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