An abortion at 12 weeks under conscious sedation

I had an abortion on 11th October this year and I regret it so much.
I actually cannot stand this pain I am feeling. The baby was planned and my husband and I were overjoyed.
At 12 and a half weeks we had a massive row over stupid stuff and he said he had had enough and was leaving. I told him if he went it was all over and what should we do about the baby.

He said terminate it

Other awful things were said and again as he drove off he said terminate it.
I thought he would ring that evening (he is in the army and posted 250 miles away) or the next day but he did not. I assumed he really meant what he said and I did not want to bring a child up on my own. My two kids are nearly 18 and 15 and I am 38. I brought them up on my own til I met my husband 6 years ago. On the Monday after the row on the Saturday I went to the Drs and explained what had happened and that I needed a termination.

I felt I had no choice

She referred me to a clinic as I was too far along to have it done at local hospital.
They phoned me promptly and offered an appt for later that week. I asked for one the following Monday which was the 11th as in my mind I thought he may turn up or ring on the weekend especially as we had the dating scan booked on the 11th.

He did not phone or turn up or text

So on the Monday I went with my friend to the clinic. I was sobbing and crying and then they told me I could not have a general anaesthetic as there was a problem with the air con in that room so I had to have a conscious sedation. This threw me into more hysterics. All I wanted was to ring him and ask if I was doing the right thing but something stopped me.
I sobbed while they scanned me, sobbed while they took my details and then it was time to go in. They told me to take my clothes off from the waist down, wrap a sheet round me, put a sanitary towel in my pants and bring my pants in with me to the room. I was still crying and sobbing. They told me to lay on the bed and shuffle down while the put my feet in stirrups and to put my pants under the pillow. I was shaking and crying so hard. I looked round the room and could see all the instruments they would use to take my baby away but I felt I could not say NO.

I wanted to shout NO NO NO but just could not

They gave me the injection and I went into a light sleep. Moments later I woke up with my pants on and no baby. I was ushered through to another room for a cup of tea and a biscuit then it was time to go. It was like a conveyor belt, while I waited to go in to have it done another girl was waiting in the room with me. I went in first and then while I had a cup of tea she came in having just had her termination. I keep imagining a bucket full of babies just sitting there in that room. Husband finally texted 2 weeks after the row and it was of course too late. Now we have split up and I am just so sad about everything.

I want my baby back

. I can't believe I can feel such pain and not actually die. Because of our stupid bloody minded stubborness we have lost everything. Even if we had split up anyway I would rather have my baby and be single.
I feel cross that the clinic did the procedure when I was clearly in such a state. I can't stop seeing myself lying on that bed and wishing I had said no.
The dr has given me temazepam and diazepam but when they run out the pain will still be there.
If you are considering a termination do not rush into it. I made all the decisions too quickly. As hard as it is try to speak to the Father and if you have any doubts at all, wait. I felt as I was over 12 weeks I had no time to consider but I did. Another week would not have mattered. I don't know how I will ever get over this. I won't ever have another baby now, I am 38 and getting divorced. I feel empty.

Editor's Comment

What a heart breaking story, and the emotional pain you are experiencing sounds terrible.
This was a planned pregnancy so you and your husband had really wanted the baby up until the time you argued. I can understand your feelings of fear and panic at the thought of being left alone to bring up your baby. This must have pushed you into the decision you made , as well as the turmoil you were going through over your husband walking out. You have so many losses in your life at the moment and you must be in a place of deep grief. Please call the national helpline. There are trained advisors who understand how to help women in your situation, or write to Online advisor for confidential online help. There may be a centre in your area that can offer you post abortion support with a counsellor. Follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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