I'm 18 and a few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.

I'm 18 and a few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. 3 weeks previous to me finding out, my relationship crumbled and my boyfriend left me.
I have been at university for a few months starting a year early and he had just gone to university. He felt he needed space and did not want to be with me but would in the future and still wanted to be friends. We did get back together but broke up again for some personal reasons.
I found out I was pregnant after one of my flat mates said she though she was and I started to think 'when was the last time I had a period'. I was on the mini pill at the time, had just changed from combined and could not remember when I last bled so I knew something was wrong. I rang my x's friend as I was also really close to him to ask what I should do and cried for hours to him.
In the end I decided I would have to tell (we shall call him A) A that I was pregnant, but I would do what I wanted to and he did not have to get involved.
He wanted to be involved and talked to me about what I should do.

He wanted me to get rid.

I am adopted and I though about adoption. I had always said I would keep it if this ever happened right from before we started to be intimate. 'A' turned round to me one day and said I could not tell my mum or dad because they would be so ashamed and yes my dad did say I would not have a home if I got pregnant before I turn 22. "A" also said that he felt like killing himself if I kept the baby, that he could never love a mistake and that I would ruin his life and he would not be able to finish uni as he would have to provide for me and the baby.
He never came with me to the doctors or to the scan to determine the stage my pregnancy was at. He did not come with me to the abortion to hold my hand and be there for me. It took him a week to come and see me and he did not talk about what had happened and when I started to talk about it he blanked me.

I hurt so much.

I know I had to do what I did but I hate myself for it.
It hurts so much, and I feel so bad. I have no one to turn to or talk to and I am balancing uni and placement in a hospital with my emotions.
Everything happened at once, breaking up with A and finding out I'm pregnant. Thank you for letting me talk about this.

People should not have to go through this.

We were always so safe with sex. This is the hardest thing to do in the world and I just want everyone to know there should always be someone there for you.

editor's Comment

This sounds like a very lonely journey you have taken, and you needed support and help but your boyfriend wasn't there for you. You had always said you would keep a baby if you ever had an unplanned pregnancy, so going through abortion must have felt as though you were betraying yourself in some way. You took all the precautions to stop this from happening but unfortunately there is a failure rate with any contraception.
Many people find it hard to talk about abortion and it sounds as though 'A' could not face talking about what had happened.
If we can help to support you through your recovery please call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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