I was pregnant at 21 and could not afford a baby

Although there was no accurate way of knowing I was pregnant yet, something deep down inside of me just knew. I hadn't missed my period yet, however, I started feeling really sick every day, about one week before my period was due, I knew then something wasn't right.
The next week I was due on, and I started getting stomach cramps, so I felt quite relieved, however the cramps eased off and I found myself two days late...

I took a test not actually believing it would be positive...

How wrong I was, there in front of me was a positive pregnancy test.. I didn't know what to do.. or how to feel I just stood there crying... I loved the idea of having a baby but I knew it wasn't the right time. I'm only 21, just finished university and I know me and my boyfriend couldn't afford it. I went to the doctors, and she confirmed I was pregnant.. I started having a sharp pain by my ovary, and I read on the internet about an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know if this was my own way of trying to deal with having an abortion by trying to convince myself that the baby wasn't going to live.. I was sent off to have a scan, and that's where it hit me there was a real living thing inside me, and since that day I tried to convince myself I'd be able to cope. I would work all hours in my retail job which I absolutely hated just to be able to manage.. I had just finished university, and my main goal in life was to have a career so my boyfriend knew deep down that it wasnt the right thing to do, and he saw how unhappy I was in my current retail job. Although he tried to be supportive I found his way of coping difficult to handle.. He told me he'd love to have the baby but he didn't want me to regret my decision, and not to be able to do all the things I'd planned..

I just took everything out on him

When he said 'I don't know how we would cope, we don't live together and we don't have full time jobs', which was true ...I blamed him for why I was having an abortion, I think just to try and ease my guilt which I know is selfish....Although I knew it wasnt the right time, I knew my family would be ashamed and disappointed, and I wasn't positive I'd be able to look after the baby.

I just wanted there to be a way I could keep the baby.

I then started to bleed, and I suddenly lost all pregnancy symptoms, however I think this was my way of trying to convince myself the baby was dead, just to mentally make it easier.
I went back to the doctor and said I was definitely going through with the abortion, and I went to the hospital again and they again confirmed there was a living baby inside of me, absolutely fine.. but my emotions were so mixed at this point

One day I'd want to keep the baby the next I didn't

I think it was more the fact I didn't want an abortion than actually keep the baby. I also liked the idea of adoption, as I felt so guilty that I was able to have a healthy child and so many couples couldn't, but my boyfriend told me he'd never let me give away our baby.. I didn't understand. He knew we couldn't financially cope, and he'd let me kill my baby, however, he wouldn't let me have the baby and give it away to a home that would really love her/him... The longer I had to wait for appointments the harder I found to get rid of my baby.. Anyway I finally had a date and it suddenly became really real.

There was my little baby, so small but formed

I went in and had the first tablet, and I felt a bit sad but I knew it was the right choice. Thursday came, I was in hospital by half seven in the morning, I had my tablets inserted in to me, and I lay in bed for half an hour, walked about and suddenly started having really bad period cramp pains. About forty five minutes later I went to the toilet and I could feel something happening, it felt really odd and I looked in the bed pan and their was my little baby, so small, but formed, and I think that's the hardest thing I've ever had to see, I tried to look away but I just stood there crying, .. I went back in to bed the cramps still really painful, I took some painkillers and they started to ease.. I just couldn't believe how quick something could be over.... I was in the hospital for five and half hours, and I was able to go back home. I felt quite drained and emotional but I tried to stay strong, as I never like to show I'm upset.. I left knowing that it was the right decision..however the image of the little baby just kept in my mind.. The next day I returned to work, just tried to do anything to keep my mind off what had happened. It's only been two days since the procedure, but I find when allowing myself to think about it, feeling sad, and seeing flashbacks, and looking at the internet to see what would be happening and how it would be growing which I know is just ridiculous.. I try and put on an act to act like I'm okay and I'm hoping as the weeks go on, I can get on with my life, get a career using my degree I worked so hard for and eventually, have a family of my own when I'm ready and I know I could financially and mentally look after the baby... I'm now looking to move out as now I'll be able to do it with my boyfriend. I'm just trying to stay strong and look at the positives, I just need to find a way to remember the reasons why I did this and not keep thinking of what could have happened. Good luck, to anyone going through with this ..its a tough time, chin up and stay strong, and I hope everyone's lucky enough to have some one by their bedside at the hospital as I was, as I don't know what I would of done without my boyfriend..

Editor's Comment

Your story describes the way that women often swing back and forth in their decision making process. You wanted the baby and yet you felrt too young and that you had a lot of things you wanted to do before you settled down and had a family. You didn't feel comfortable with abortion, and had feelings of guilt, but you felt pressurised by your boyfriend, who would not consider the adoption option. These strongly opposing feelings are very common in crisis pregnancy, when you are trying to think through your options and the decision you should make. You are now trying to hold onto the reasons why you made your decision. I think that sometimes you need time and help to process what has happened and work through the emotions you are experiencing. If you feel that you need some help with this olease call the national helpline or follow the link to contact Online advisor for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 14/12/2010 and it's been viewed 1,666 times.

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