A medical abortion after a blighted ovum

It was New Year's Eve & I decided to take a pregnancy test... I was shocked to find I was pregnant. This was my second pregnancy... the first one was only earlier last year, after lots of tests & Ultrasound scans they told me there was nothing there. I had to have keyhole surgery to rule out an ectopic pregnancy & then after more tests they discovered I had a blighted ovum. I was so confused & no one had any answers as to why or how it happened, & if my chances of ever having a successful pregnancy was any good.
I had a medical abortian & was in a little room in the hospital all alone as my partner had to work. I was given strong painkillers & constantly on gas & air, but the pain did not go away it was awful I had never felt pain like it. I was given a cardboard bowl....which I think I was told to sit over it but nothing came out anyway.
By the time night came the sack the baby should of been in had still not come out. I was tired & just wanted to get home. My partner came to get me, and after lots more pain that felt like my insides were being pulled & ripped out & lots of blood, I finally got to sleep. The next day when I woke I was still in pain, I was pottering around my bedroom & felt so strange. The sack was coming out. It was so big & I ran to the toilet & looked down at my towel. I was in such shock that this had come out of me & even tho there was no baby there it was still disturbing!! I never wanted to go through this again!!

I felt so guilty like I was being punished

I did not know if I was really ready for a baby at the beginning.
But back to the news on New Year's eve ... with mixed feelings of worry & excitement I ran downstairs to tell my partner & he said that I should make an appointment asap to discuss having an abortion as we were going through a really bad financial time. Neither of us are working & were living at his father's home. I made the appointment but I really didn't want to go. I felt we had still not spoken properly about it, but I went anyway and the woman didn't really say much she just looked at me like I was heartless & passed on the number for the abortian clinic.

I really felt like I should protect my baby & that I would be able to take good care of it.

I spoke with my partner & told him how I felt lots of discussions later he told me he didn't have enough time or money for the daughter he already had so he really didn't want another & he would be extremely unhappy. i didn't want to bring a baby into the world with no father or make him miserable.. I cried & cried & prayed to God to help me or make him see this precious life that was our baby is a blessing .. But no, he still wanted me to go through with it.
I realised I needed to make a decision as early as possible because I was worried my baby wasn't getting what it needed like folic acid. I started eating healthy & drinking lots of water & did lots of research on what I should not eat. My partner told me to ring the clinic so I did thinking that I would be able to talk about my feeling & that they could help me... but no, the woman on the phone was just huffing & puffing & asked me why I wanted an abortion .. I told her I didn't know & I was confused. She just told me that I wasn't ready & that was it. She started going on about procedures & booked me in for a medical abortion.
I was a mess crying myself to sleep I was so sad I didn't speak for days. I kind of went numb to it, I got rushed through the whole thing & had the abortion yesterday. This time no painkillers were given to me and I cannot even begin to tell you how bad it was. At first I had diarrhoea & was vomiting & the pain was worse than last time. It's the day after & I just need to get this off my chest. I really wish I was strong enough to keep my baby on my own, I'm so guilty & will regret it for ever I should have protected my baby I lost hope.

Editor's Comment

What a difficult time you have been through! Having a blighted ovum is a very distressing event and as you say there is no particular cause or reason why this happens. To go through a medical abortion after that experience must have been very distressing for you, and I expect it has put a lot of strain on your relationship with your partner. I am sad that you had so little help from the clinic who should have provided counselling for you, and certainly postponed any decision until you were more clear about what you wanted. Perhaps with some help, someone could have looked at your finances with you and your partner and worked out a plan for you. It may help you to have some counselling now to come to terms with all that you have been through. Please call the national helpline to speak to an advisor 0300 4000 999, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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