Terrified at bringing a baby into the world

No-one has the right to judge

There isn't a single person in this world who has the right to judge. We all make choices dependent on any given situation, regardless of what our thoughts were before. Things change. We change our perspective, we learn as events take place. I remember learning about abortion in school. I felt that it was every womans choice, but that it is not natural, and therefore wrong. A headache pill is un-natural but I've still taken them. We make these judgements to suit our every day needs.

I still haven't come to terms with what happened

A year on and I still haven't come to terms with what happened. I found out i was six weeks pregnant early March 2010, three weeks before my 23rd birthday. My boyfriend and I had been together for over two years and were, still are, very much in love. We lived apart for work purposes, both in new cities, completely alone. The idea of bringing a baby into the world, into a house where the other tenant didn't clean after himself, with a job that was due to finish by August that year, and with my family over 100 miles away, was terrifying. I'm a strong person, and have gone through a lot of rough times, but this hit me really hard. My boyfriend was working as a volunteer to get some experience, and I didn't want to be another young mum on benefits if I couldn't get another job.

We were both afraid

The emotions you go through are unbearable, and the choice is not easy to make. One minute I was overwhelmed with love and excitement, and the next I'd be scared that I would let my child down some way. A six week old baby growing inside me. Then the tiredness and sickness arrived, and I could barely lift my head from my desk at work. No-one knew except my boyfriend who was over 200 miles away, working 14 hours a day. We were both afraid, and had no idea how to handle the financial implications at hand. I could have gone through with it, but I didn't feel ready, and wasn't sure that my boyfriend and I were right for each other.

If I could go back ...

If I could go back and change things, I don't know if I would make the same choice. Now, I might go through with the pregnancy. Not because I'm ready, but because the sadness you feel after, can never go away. I'm so sad to have made that choice, and wish that I'd had the strength to have been a mum. If I was to give any advice, I'd be honest about the pain. The pain of abortion and pain of reality after you've done it. My boyfriend was supportive, understanding when I ignored his calls, and was honest about what he felt too. I blame him for being the good guy and I blame him for not feeling the same pain that I did. We live together now, both working long hours to pay the bills.

Every period reminds me of what I did

Abortion should not be seen as a form of contraception. It is a very serious, traumatic experience, which will affect those involved for the rest of their lives. I don't talk about it, but I do think about what happened most days. The abortion itself happened alone in my house, whilst my housemate was at work. It was the most painful event of my life. I cried a lot, and fainted with the contractions. When it's over, you have to continue to wear pads. Every period reminds me of what I did. On the other hand, I was given an option. The minipill didn't work the night i fell pregnant, so I'm now on the implant. The lesson has taught me to reconsider my direction in life, and I'm hoping to be more prepared if i ever become pregnant again. I'm sorry to my baby for not loving it in the way that I should have and for those who have gone through this, you aren't alone.
Thank you for giving me the time to open up. Sorry if you are going through this.

Editor's Comment

Thank you for saying so beautifully what many women experience - the desperate conflict and confusion that often surrounds a crisis pregnancy, and the depth of grief that can come afterwards. I am sorry that you are living with such sadness now. There is a common perception that when a woman chooses abortion, she waives the right to grieve her loss. However, many women (and men) experience a similar level of distress after an abortion. And you need time and support in coming to terms with your loss in a healthy way. For help, please follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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