A surgical abortion at 7 weeks

I'm 35 years old with 2 children to my ex-partner, aged 5 and 8 who I adore.
Before my children were born, I suffered 3 miscarriages which devastated me and at that point, I began to wonder if I would ever have a baby of my own. To make matters worse, during the pregnancies of my children, I developed rhesus antibodies (I'm rhesus negative) and the pregnancy of my youngest was very traumatic. She was premature, had to have several blood transfusions and lots of care.
When she was born, the doctors warned me that this problem would increase in severity with any further pregnancies I have. But, thank God I have been blessed with what I have.
I split with my ex-partner (whom I'd been with for 10 years) under very very traumatic circumstances, and I suddenly found myself a single Mum having to pay all the bills, mortgage, debts etc (many of which my ex-partner had accrued), as well as support and care for our 2 young children on my own.

It was a terrifying time in my life.

I have had to work full time to keep everything together, I simply have no option. Well, fast forward 2 years and I've rented my house out and moved in with family for some breathing space and to try and pay off some of the debts I'm saddled with.
I also have a lovely boyfriend who I've been with for a year and a half (I've actually known him since I was about 15).
After one night of carelessness, I took the morning after pill, but it didn't work. I found myself pregnant and terrified and didn't know what to do. I knew I was in no position to provide for a baby, and the outlook for the baby was grim with my medical history.

I'd always thought abortion was so wrong...I knew it would destroy me mentally.

Then again, I knew continuing with the pregnancy would destroy me too.
I thought long and hard, had 2 counselling sessions, wrote down the pros and cons and reluctantly decided (with my partner's reluctant agreement) that termination was the only option.
At my first appointment at the Marie Stopes clinic I had a scan and the nurse told me I was 7 weeks along. I asked her if she saw a heartbeat and she said "yes". I broke down then, I couldn't go through with it that day.
It brought back all the memories of the miscarriages and I thought to myself, "hell girl, imagine how ecstatic you'd have been about a little beating heart when you were going through those miscarriages".
I left the clinic still pregnant but made another appointment and decided to have a further think, but deep down I knew I had no option. I then had a surgical abortion yesterday, 1st June 2011. I couldn't believe I was signing a piece of paper for my baby to be killed but I told myself that only more intense heartache was to come if I didn't. Before I went into theatre, I touched my stomach and told the baby I was so so sorry.
When I came round in the recovery room, I felt strangely relieved. The mentally torment of the decision had gone. I even surprised myself at how calm I felt, but I'm convinced that was just the effect of the drugs. By the evening I felt terrible and started to hate myself for what I'd done. I kept hugging my children and telling them I loved them so much.

I felt heartbroken and felt a strange longing to be pregnant again.

I felt so selfish and sad at what I'd done. Strangely enough, my friends were texting me telling me they were proud of me (they knew too that I had little option), but I still felt disgusted with myself. This morning as I write this, I still feel totally upset and empty. Yet I know how extremely difficult continuing with the pregnancy would have been. Will I ever get over this? I feel tainted forever.

Editor's Comment

There must have been a battle going on for you, with your mind and circumstances telling you that termination was the only option, while your heart was saying that this went against your values and beliefs.
I think this is where the pain is coming from that you are now feeling. You can feel that you have betrayed yourself and you start to condemn yourself for what you have done. I would encourage you to seek some post abortion counselling and support, so that you can work through some of these very difficult emotions. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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