9 months down the line I'm in utter pieces

11 months ago I had met my boyfriend after a VERY long commitment with a boy who was very unfaithful to me.
It felt unreal, I was so in love with him and he even introduced me to his parents before we went out.
A few weeks after seeing each other, we had sex - unprotected. I thought at first that this couldn't possibly ever happen to me, it didnt in the past but it did now, 8 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
I was very confused, and the only thing that made me realise was that I was attending so many friends' 18th birthdays, and drinking alcho pops was making my stomach turn.
My boyfriend had thought from the start I was pregnant, as I had a few early symptoms which I thought nothing of. I was irregular with periods as it was, and was still getting them.
I saw my doctor, who gave me options but me and my boyfriend couldn't decide.

Sadly, my mum found out off a relative who stuck their nose in, and she forced me to get rid of it.

My boyfriend wasn't much support, he was more confused and angry at me at times. Friends in college discovered and accused me of being a 'baby killer' because I couldn't face a friend who had discovered herself pregnant a few days after my abortion.

9 months down the line, and I'm in utter pieces.

I don't know what to do anymore, and there are times when I remember seeing my baby in the dish, just lifeless. The doctors and my mum told me it was only tissue, but I could see my baby's face. I cry every day about it, without fail. I want a baby now more than ever, regardless of the struggle. Even though it wasn't time, and I wasn't stable finacially - doesn't mean I was any more right to do what I did.
I regret it, and I am very hated for what I did, but no one hates me as much as I hate myself :o(

Editor's Comment

No one has the right to judge you for what you have done. They could not definitely say they would have been different given the same circumstances.
You need to be kind to yourself and accept that you were under a lot of pressure from your mum and your boyfriend was not able to support you. It's hard to stand up to pressure when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable in the early stages of pregnancy. Please contact us to get some help and support for yourself. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 14/07/2011 and it's been viewed 433 times.

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