Three years after the abortion and I can’t cope. I hate what I did

When I became pregnant with my daughter I was 22 and not living with the father. I was living with a friend and having the time of my life.

My partner was not happy when he found out and asked me to have an abortion. I was devastated. I was told at 18 I would never have children naturally as my periods stopped when I was 16 and they said I was infertile.

I was shocked to find out I was pregnant as I had been suffering from period pains and irregular bleeding the previous week. My partner was scared of my parents and although he would never admit this he changed his mind about the baby and agreed we could keep it

I had a bad pregnancy with lots of problems

I put on a lot of weight and had our daughter by emergency caesarean after her heart beat was dangerously low.

I suffered massive post natal depression and it put a massive strain on our relationship. Eventually he left me. My biggest fear!!! 

He asked me to get an abortion and I was so scared I would lose what I had worked so hard for. I had lived life as a single parent and I could not go back. This was the life I wanted.

With the absence of my periods and me being classed as obese I had no idea how pregnant I was. So my partner paid for a private scan as the pregnancy advisory had refused to treat me as my BMI was over 45.

The hospital had agreed they would do the abortion if I was under 12 weeks. I prayed my hardest that I was over 12 weeks so we would have no choice and my partner would have to support me if it wasn't my fault.

Anyway it wasn't, it was 7 weeks. I rang him when I came out of the hospital and he started ranting on that we had to get it sorted now and that we had the chance to. Wanting me to ring around there and then to get it done.

I couldn’t breathe. I was given the scan to take to the hospital as proof. I looked at it, it looked exactly like our daughter's first scan, when my partner changed his mind. Maybe he would now! But he refused to look at it. Insisting that we had to get rid.

I saw a doctor who agreed to perform the abortion on the day of the 12th week. My partner never changed his mind, refused to talk about it. I was scared and seemed to just move through each day, knowing, always knowing that my child was growing and holding on! It killed me, I was numb.

On the day he dropped me off at hospital and was told he could not stay with me until the abortion and that I was 1st in line. I sat in this hospital room, changed into the gown and cried. I wanted to run, but my body didn't move.

I wanted to scream but I just shook

I cried as they wheeled me down to the operating theatre, the nurse held my hand and I desperately wanted her to stop and ask if I was ok so I could say no, but she didn't.

They asked me to confirm my name and I thought about saying a wrong name so they would take me back wondering who I was, but I didn't.

I woke up in agony, I soon realized the pain was not physical. Three years on and I can’t cope. I hate what I did.

I spent the whole time hoping that someone would ask if I was ok so I could say no, if my partner would look at the scan and change his mind, but really it was up to me. I should have said no, screamed, ran and looked after my baby, not put my partner 1st like I did, because now of course I am angry, with him, and me. I feel angry that he knew but said nothing in case I changed my mind.

My daughter asks all the time for a brother or sister and I feel guilty I took that away from her

My partner is now my husband, he's had a vasectomy. I can’t cope. I can’t say I lost a baby because I killed it. Me and no one else. I can’t blame him, I did nothing to stop this and save my child. He has got on with life now. That makes me angry. What about my little baby?