A medical abortion at 17.
It was 2009 and I had just turned 17 when I got together with my first proper boyfriend. 2 weeks after losing my virginity to him, I discovered I was pregnant; we had used a condom which had split so I went to my doctors for emergency contraception which unfortunately didn't work.
As soon as I knew I was pregnant, I phoned up my (then) boyfriend who first asked if I was ok, then said if I continued with the pregnancy he would never see me or the baby again.
I remember being so scared of telling my mum and it was her that bought up the subject: she asked if myself and the boyfriend had had sex more than once and had we always used protection. I said yes but the condom had split once so I went and got emergency contraception.
"....and I'm pregnant."
They were probably the 3 most terrifying words I've ever had to say to anyone. Admitting it to my mum ment it was real. I was pregnant. Even now, I struggle to think about it; I was growing a baby in me.
I don't remember the moment I decided I was having an abortion but I remember looking on the internet to see when my baby's due date was - January 21st 2010. The same day my boyfriend would turn 18. I remember wanting to tell my mum I had changed my mind, I didn't want to have an abortion. I wanted to keep my baby. But all my mum kept saying was she was disappointed in me, and this made me too scared to tell her.
I chose to have a medical abortion as opposed to a surgical one and on my first appointment, I was appalled that I could take the 'expelled foetus' home with me - don't get me wrong, I understand why people would like to do it but it was most definitely not for me.
I don't remember a lot from the day of the abortion, I seem to have blocked it out; my mum went with me to the hospital but I refuse to talk to her about it or anything to do with my pregnancy; she made it about her. How SHE had to be signed off work with stress and it really pissed me off. I felt like saying, "HELLO!! I'm the 17 year-old who is pregnant here!! I'm the one who's baby you are so willing to get rid of!" and I'm still angry with her for it now.
I honestly believe that had my mum been different about it, I would of had the baby and yeah, I would probably be a single mum to a 22 month-old but who's to say that I wouldn't be happy? Who's to say that I wouldn't still be at university doing my nursing course?
I will never be able to say that having an abortion is the best thing I did for my life or the right thing I did for my life and there are times when it gets me so down, I feel like killing myself. So I'm going to get help. Because while I can't change my past, I can change my future.
Editor's CommentIt must have been really hard for you to deal with your Mum's disappointment. That creates a lot of pressure and I imagine you were afraid of her reaction if you changed your mind. You sound as though you are still trying to cope with the anger and hurt you are feeling and I think it would help you to go for help and work through some of these feelings. If you have any problems finding the help you need, do check the Careconfidential website for post abortion help and support.
This story was sent in on 27/10/2011 and it's been viewed 503 times.
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