A medical termination at 8 weeks

I am 32 years old and have 2 beautiful children.
I feel so so guilty for having an abortion in June I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant at the time. It all began when both me and my partner discussed having another baby. My first 2 pregnancies I had bad morning sickness but with the help of anti-sickness tablets it controlled it. I knew instantly I was pregnant for the 3rd time and was so happy. When I did the test it confirmed I was only 2-3 weeks pregnant.

It was early days but that's when the sickness and headaches started.

It gradually got worse and worse and eventually after a further 3 weeks of suffering in bed not able to look after my children properly as my other half worked away and no support from my family I was admitted to hospital. I was pumped with fluids to hydrate me and injected with a cocktail of anti-sickness drugs and it did start to help, a little anyway.
The nurses I had were so supportive, really lovely and I discussed termination with them as I felt so helpless I just wanted to die (sounds dramatic I know but I really felt so ill). After being discharged 3 days later I was still feeling not 100% I discussed termination with my other half. He was supportive and I think he just wanted me to feel better.
I was admitted to hospital again and on the second visit I decided to have a termination. I couldn't believe I was even contemplating it I was so anti-abortion why couldn't I just be better even a little I asked myself. I really wanted my baby especially after seeing the little flickering heart beat on the screen, tears in my eyes.
After making my final decision I decided to go ahead with it, changing my mind all the time especially looking at my 2 healthy children thinking what it would be like with another.... No going back, I went that morning for my first consultation about it. The nurse didn't seem sympathetic at all and I felt terrible. 4 days later I had the first tablet after being sick all morning and then after the tablet I naively thought it might not start to work even after the tablet I was admitted to hospital again on iv fluids and injections. 2 days later I went for the procedure (medical) the nurse inserted the first tablet and then left.

After 4 hours of constant pain I passed my tiny little baby.

I didn't look. I didn't want to. I was crying so much, my partner was there through the whole procedure it was awful. Even though I did feel better in myself afterwards, I felt immense guilt and still do. I keep thinking my baby would have been due in 2 months. I just can't get over it....I look at my children and love them so much if I'd been stronger and had more support maybe I could have carried on. I now feel the urge to have another but I know in my head I will no doubt be ill again my heart aches for my baby.

Editor's Comment

Hyperemisis in pregnancy is a very debilitating condition and can make you feel very low and unable to cope. I can understand your desperation when you had 2 other children to look after as well. I know that it still does not ease the grief and sense of loss you are feeling, and it may be good for you to get some specialist help for this. If you do decide to try for another baby, you should ask for a referal to talk about the sickness before you start. There are combinations of drugs that can help to stop the sickness, although you often still feel nausea.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 12/11/2011 and it's been viewed 1,063 times.

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