I am 34 and have been longing for a child all my life
I was late and did a pregnancy test for it to say "PREGNANT".My first thought was that the test was broken, when I told him he kicked off and my first reaction was that it can't be right and if it was I would get rid.
He went off to cool down then came and hugged me and said make all the calls we need it out. I called Marie Stopes and had it done with in the week at 8 weeks, this was exactly a year and one week ago ( never got over it) I have dreams of it asking WHY and if it was worth it, I never see a baby without thinking what would mine have looked like, I carry babies of friends then feel guilty as the hugs I'm giving them belongs to my child that I killed. I know it sounds messed up, but that's what an abortion does to a real woman's head.
I had the abortion at the time for what to me seemed to be the right reasonsMy thoughts were: can't be a single mum, don't want it to be rejected by it's Dad, don't want to ruin my boyfriend's life and dreams, I can't take the risk, and don't want to lose it's Dad as I have already fallen in love so deeply for him by then.
He came with me and saw the scan, was there when I went to take the pill, saw me through the pain of losing it, he looked after me a lot and indeed I loved him a lot. A couple of months later I left my house and city and moved with him to another country to the unknown.
He knew I wanted to get married, but I found out that after all I had done and sacrificed, he was not intending to get married again for 5 years. After all I did and sacrificed, still not enough to commit as it seemed to me that I still had to prove I was worthy ( though he denies that's the reason and that he never loved anyone more than me!) where was my brain! Never abort, I regret it and cry every single day and it never fades, I am still with it's Dad now, and still doing all the sacrifices for a glimps of hope for the best. Just not sure till when. I know now that NO Person is ever worth killing your child for. Even if he always said he's very grateful you gave him his life back. Yes, you gave him "HIS" life and destroyed and ruined your own LIFE.. I wish I found this website and read other women's stories before I went ahead with the TOP. Your child is alive from the moment it's conceived (Boy or Girl that's the second it's decided) first pill kills it second pill flushes it out of your system, and that feeling of it leaving the body like a big faeces from the front, that you flush the toilet on, just never leaves you. And I have to live knowing I flushed the toilet on my baby.. for what! Maybe I should've just taken the risk at least I would've lived the true unconditional love to my child.
Editor's CommentIt is always sad when someone has an abortion to please another person. I can understand that your partner had come into the relationship knowing it would not lead to children. He felt he had not signed up to that. However, the bottom line is that there is always the possibility of pregnancy in a sexual relationship, and he should have taken responsibility to make sure that did not happen.
I think that post abortion counselling would help you to make some sense of what you have been through, and process the painful emotions you are feeling.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.