Finding out I was pregnant was the strangest day of my life, I've always wanted a child to the point that I knew which pram I wanted! I'd always felt though that when it happened I would jump for joy, but that wasn't the case, the day I found out I felt nothing.....I didn't know what to feel. I'd just started my dream job and although I'd been with my partner for 4 years I knew that he was not ready in any single at all, he was still immature wanted 'more' important things.
But before I told him I took 3 days to myself to think about what I wanted and before I'd even told my partner, I'd made the decision that I wasn't going to keep the baby, so I told him and his face went green, the only thing he managed to blurt out was 'But I don't want a baby' and I reassured him that the feeling was mutual and I had already decided that it was for the best if we ended the pregnancy as soon as possible. So I made all the necessary appointments and the NHS referred me to a clinic to have my termination. I felt completely sure this was what I wanted and had no doubts this was what I wanted. As it was so close to Christmas 2011 I decided not to tell my parents and I although I tried to have my termination between Christmas and New Year my partner and I couldn't get the same days off between the festive period.
On January 9th 2012 I arrived at the clinic for my surgical termination, my partner had come with me and bless him didn't really know what to say nor do! I had a admission appointment before my termination, where they pin pricked my finger and did a scan, they make sure you unable to see the screen but I actually asked to see the scan which the nurse showed me.
For some reason I had an urge to see what my baby looked like
In all honesty it looked like two little peas merged together. After my admission I was sent back into the waiting room where I was then greeted by another nurse who took me upstairs to have my termination.
My termination was not painful nor do I remember a thing and I had mine with local anaesthetic, I woke up to feel the same I had a slight cramp but that was it. I was discharged and sent home to rest.......
After two weeks the bleeding still hadn't ceased and had actually increased, so I thought it best to be on the safe side and call the nurse to seek some advice, they booked me back in for the next day to have a check up. I was seen by the nurse who took another pregnancy test which showed positive....she decided to do a scan but could not see anything, so I had to have a vaginal scan instead which was not painful at all. After my scan was complete the nurse asked to get dressed and would discuss with me what she thought may be causing me still to bleed, but as I got up the blood poured out, it was like I was doing a wee I couldnt stop!
The nurse informed me that the termination I'd had two weeks previous had been unsuccessful
Whilst they had taken most of the foetus away there were still some parts of it left and this is what was causing me to bleed so heavily at this point all I could think of was 'oh my gosh I haven't shaved my legs', seems quite irrelevant given the situation but that was my immediate thought, I was told I would have to have a re procedure that day and that's what I had. This time I woke up and I felt different I can't put my finger on what I didn't feel empty but something felt different, I had strong cramps and felt very sleepy and emotional.
Since the second termination I have told my parents who have been extremely supportive, but had also told me that they would have supported my decision either way......this has turned me upside down and what I thought would make me feel like I could breathe again has actually brought me to feel a lot of regret and guilt. I know the decision I made was right for the situation that my partner and myself are in, but now my parents are aware I keep thinking what if!? I have decided to seek some help for this matter as I do not want to let it get any worse than it is at the moment and would say to anyone in the same situation to do the same!
You went through adifficult time having 2 procedures and that must have made it much more drawn out. I suppose knowing that your parents would have supported you was very significant because it made you realise that even if your parner did not want to support you, they would have been there for you. I think that feelings like guilt and regret often appear even if you felt sure about your decision. I am glad you are getting some help and I think it is important to work through some of these painful emotions. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.