A letter to the baby I lost

Dear Sarah.. The day I found out I was pregnant with you it was morning time 22nd May 2012. I was holding the sticks in my hand with two lines showing that it is positive. I couldn't believe I was pregnant I kept looking at the leaflet and then at the sticks, I sat there in shock and despair. I slowly crept down the stairs and went down to your waiting father, I told him I was pregnant with you. He looked at me with sad eyes and hugged me. But I didn't feel anything, I felt like a emotionless robot, looking for abortion clinics..
I didn't smile I didn't cry.. I just wanted you out of me as soon as possible.

I am just 19, a careless teenager that had no control over her emotions.

I booked an appointment for that day and left with your father, he insisted on driving there and I agreed. When we reached Marie Stopes, we were late. The nurse had no option but to book me in two days later for a surgical abortion. I left the clinic in tears because I didn't want you to get sucked out of me literally. I cried and cried until I had hicups. I was angry at your father for not listening to me. When I went home, I was tired and numb, the next day I had a psychology exam which I did not revise for at all. But I still went and gave it.
The day before you left me, I stood in front of the mirror looking at my tummy, where you lay. I was caressing it, you were a nice oval bump. I caressed and caressed you, didn't take my hands off you and realised that you were leaving me the next day.

I cried and cried, with pain and with regret.

I wanted your father but he was busy with his family. It was only you and me baby. I didn't feel alone because I had you with me. Your father came to see me out of surprise, we didn't want him there, I told him to go I was angry and hurt. It hadn't hit him that you were going tommorow. When he left I started feeling sick and I threw up, I was feeling terrible and unhappy.. I lay in bed holding you until I fell asleep..
On the day of the abortion, I was numb, cold and ready. Your father came along, and I had no option but to accept his affection. We waited a long time, till the nurse at Marie Stopes called us in for an ultra sound, your father couldn't see you right. But when the nurse showed me the photo I saw you instantly, I saw you..
I told her I wanted a picture of you to keep, so I could keep you with me all the time.
After that we waited a long time till the nurse called us in for the procedure, I got up and so did your father, and he hurriedly kissed me and told me to go. I followed the rest of the ladies and went up to the pre treatment waiting room. I sat there holding you anxiously watching all the other mother's reading magazines and dozing off. I didn't want to let you go, but I didn't know how to react so I just sat there and waited until the nurse called me in.
The nurse was very kind, she asked for my full name and address and I told her.
She told me to remove my lower garments and put them in a basket and to tie a blue cloth around me and she left.
My legs started shaking and my heart was beating. I sat on the chair hearing my heartbeat ringing in my ears and I could hear the machines in the theatre.
The docter knocked and the nurse took me in. I was pulling myself back and the nurse was kindly pushing me towards the bed, I sat up and lay down and the docter took my hand. He put in an IV sedation and the nurse lifted my leg up to put it in a strap. I took a deep breath and felt my eyes droop. The next minute I woke up the nurse was telling me it was all done. You were gone.
She took me to the recovery room and gave me tea.
After I recovered the nurse took me to insert the implant in my arm. It hurt alot. I put my clothes on and the nurse took me down as I held your photo. I went down and waited for your father and he came and hugged me.
I didn't cry at all. I didn't know how I was suppose to feel. I went home and forgot what happened.
At home I can't talk to anyone because if they find out they will kill me. I still sometimes cannot believe what happened on the 24th may 2012, you were my child, my blood, my own.. Please forgive your mother for this, I will never forgive myself for doing this to you. I still caress my tummy as if you're still there, I still feel you with me.. I love you so much, I think about you every day, every night. You are always in my mind. Your Mother

Editor's Comment

You are grieving for the baby that you have lost and this is often a painful process to go through. It sounds as though you hoped that your boyfriend would want to keep the baby and that you would not have to go through the abortion. I hope that in time you will be able to forgive yourself and let go of this painful experience. If you would like some help and support from CareConfidential please contact us. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 01/06/2012 and it's been viewed 548 times.

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