I still feel guilt, sadness, and as time goes by I start to feel regret.

It's been over a year now since my abortion, but even after all this time I still feel guilt, sadness, and as time goes by I start to feel regret.
I remember how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, I was actually excited! But deep down I knew that once I told the father it would all change.
He called me that same day I found out and I told him there was something he really needed to know. His response was "please don't tell me your pregnant".

I felt shattered, my happiness turned to sadness.

He was speechless and shocked. I had turned his world upside down. He didn't know what else to say so he said he would call me the next day.
I tossed and turn that whole night. I just layed there thinking about what to do and what the right thing was to do.
I already had one child a beautiful girl who was 3 at the time. I've been raising her on my own, her dad wasn't any help to me and never really even saw her. It was a struggle. I worked 2 full time jobs plus went to school full time, it wasn't easy.
I thought to myself "I'm already struggling to raise one child on my own I don't know how I will do it with another one". I didn't think it was fair to my unborn child to have to be raised without a father.

I didn't want to have to do it on my own.

I wasn't financially ready for another child. The next day the father called me, he said he didn't want anymore children he already had 2 of his own. He said he didn't want to lose his family. He said he was scared.
I felt so stupid. How could I let this happen. He told me he loved me and how much he cared about me. I realized everything he had ever told me were lies.
He was now a coward to me I don't think I could see him the same after that conversation.
I told him I needed time to think about what I wanted to do.

I told him abortion was something I didn't believe in doing.

I thought about it night and day! I thought that maybe I could keep it but then how would I pay for medical bills, where would I put the baby, who's going to watch the baby while I work and do school? I was already struggling to find a stable sitter for my daughter.
All kinds of questions I just couldn't answer. But if I did have the abortion, would I be able to live with what I had done? Was I being selfish for considering it? Would God forgive me? This is a life and I'm not giving it the chance to live because of my carelessness and stupidity. I'm supposed to protect this beautiful thing and I'm destroying it! Can I live with that? Sometimes we need to do what is best for ourselves, nobody will walk in your shoes and go through what you have to go through, nobody lives your life but you, a good friend told me that.
After a week of thinking non stop about it and crying non stop about this painful choice I had to make. I made my decision. I called the father and told him I would get an abortion. November 15 was the day. The scariest moment of my life. The father picked me up and took me to the appointment. I had an ultrasound that determined I was about 6 weeks along.
It took everything I had not to cry. I was put to sleep for the procedure and when I woke up I felt emptiness and heartbroken, but deep down I knew it was the best decision for me.
I stopped talking to the father. I think all things happen for a reason. But I will always wonder if it was a boy or a girl, what he or she would look like, I missed out on watching this person grow. I'm not really sure if I will ever forgive myself I don't feel like I deserve it. I didn't think I regreted my decision but I'm starting to and I don't really know why. I thought with time all this guilt and pain would go away but I feel it more. I'm trying to find peace within myself, I won't lose hope that things will get better from here.

Editor's Comment

It is hard to make a decision that goes again your core values, and even though you were sure it was the right decision given your circumstances, your heart will still be telling you that it is a painful choice. I think that is why you are still struggling with this experience, and there is still a battle going on between your head and your heart. Unfortunately with situations like this, you cannot put an elastoplast on and hope that it will go away, because it will fester under the covering. I would recommend that you seek some post abortion help and support to help you to process these painful emotions.
This story was sent in on 04/06/2012 and it's been viewed 455 times.

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