I had a medical abortion just under a week ago

I'm 20 years old and it's been just under a week that I've had a medical abortion.
There isn't a day that passes when I don't think about my little baby, or should I say embryo.
I was only 5 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend was so supportive and was and is always there for me when I need him.
Before we found out we always said if it had to happen now, when we are young, we would abort and I now think that that feeling when you're deciding is so different to when it actually happens.
We went to the clinic together and they did an ultrasound scan, my little baba was so tiny and I felt so amazed to see my little baba that we had created - it was a miracle. But still, we went ahead with the abortion. We are too young and still at uni and don't have the means to bring a baby into this world and provide for it as it should be cared for.
And facing our parents would be too difficult and embarrassing.
I took the pills that I needed to and everything was fine with me except for diarrhoea on the first day of bleeding after that I was fine. On the 4th day I felt so strange my stomach was cramping and I felt so uncomfortable. I ignored it until eventually I had to go to the toilet. As soon as I was taking off my underwear and pants I could feel something coming out of my vagina!! I looked down onto my pad and it was this layer of tissue covered in blood. As it was coming out and I saw it being expelled from me I knew it was my baby. I was so traumatised!!
I couldn't see any features coz it wasn't developed yet but I could see the shape of it and just like in the pictures I've seen on the net. I even played around with the embryo to see if it wasn't a blood clot but it wasn't coz I wiped the blood off and it was greyish.
My heart aches for my child and I long for my child. I just want to hold it close to me.
I saw my sister's ultrasound scan and I felt so sad coz I was only thinking of my baby. But I know that I made the right decision even though it hurts me so much. If only I was older this would have been a very joyous occasion but unfortunately it isn't. Instead it is something I will live with for the rest of my life and I will always regret having unprotected sex.

Editor's Comment

It sounds like there are different things going on for you. Your head is telling you that you had to make this decision because of your circumstances, but your heart is feeling the sadness of longing for the child you might have had. I think there is often a battle going on between these two parts of us.
I am glad that your boyfriend is so supportive and I am sure this has made you think carefully about the contraception you need. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 05/08/2012 and it's been viewed 605 times.

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