A surgical abortion at 9 weeks without anaesthetic

okay, so I had an abortion exactly 3 days ago and here is my story. I am 23 years old and work at the hospital as a nutritionist.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and he has a child from his previous relationship.
I was on the depo shot when I got pregnant, they say its very rare, but that occasionally it happens. So I have never really wanted children..
I have kind of a restless spirit. I have never liked to feel constrained and I often get the urge to just get in the car and drive.. somewhere.. anywhere. I feel empty and lonely often and constantly feel like im searching for something to make me happy, but I can't seem to find what it is.
I love my boyfriend very much, he is the most sensitive sweet person I have ever met and he does a very good job putting up with my ever changing moods and emotions. However, he doesn't exactly have the means to support one child let alone two. We live together and split the rent, but he barely makes enough in his minimum wage job to pay that.
**I don't know why I am explaining all this, probably because I feel guilty for choosing abortion and I would like to somehow justify it in my head.** Okay so back to the abortion part of the story. I had a really hard time deciding what I should do, even when I went in for my appt. I had visions of running out and changing my mind, and for some reason those visions made me smile. But my overwhelmed already stressed side of me said that this would just be too hard, that I wasn't ready for this.. that it would ultimately destroy my relationship and make things financially impossible.

I had a million reasons why I shouldn't have it and they seemed to outweigh what my heart was telling me.

So I decided on the medical abortion because I wasn't very far along and I had a seen a surgical abortion in the past and it just looked horrible and scary.
However, when I got to planned parenthood and got my ultra sound the doctor told me I was 9 weeks along and could no longer have a medical abortion.. to my surprise I had gotten pregnant while on the shot, not after it had worn off.. which is what I had originally thought.
So she said that she could schedule the surgical one for the next day at 8am. I thought instantly that this was a sign that I should not do it, and I cried and cried and almost made up my mind to back out of it. But my friend who had taken me to the appt. said, "Is not being able to have the "type" of abortion that you want really a justifiable reason to keep a baby?" I only had one night to make the decision because I knew I didn't want to do it any farther along than 9 weeks, the thought was just excrutiating.
Mind you-I have always been pro-choice and have always told myself that it is not even a baby yet.. that it is just tissue. But once you're in the situation you immediately feel a connection to what is inside your body. So I spoke with my boyfriend that night and he has tried to be supportive of my decision, but as we drifted off to sleep holding each other he said 'please don't go tomorrow,' it tore at my heart.

In the morning I really didn't want to go.

I sent my boyfriend to work even though he begged to come, but I knew it would be too hard on him and I felt he might harbor resentment if he were to see everything. He called me from work upset that his boss had shorted him on his paycheck and it was only 450$ barely enough to make his half of rent.. and at that point I mustered up the courage and I just said to myself that I had to let go of this foolish fantasy that having a baby was something I could handle right now.. it was stressful enough.
So I went in for my appt. for surgical abortion. They gave me 1mg of adivan which was supposed to calm me down (it didn't) and 800 mg of ibuprofin, that was it. **I put my legs in the stirrups and put my headphones in so that I wouldn't hear the suction sound and tried to be brave.** The doctor came in and started the procedure. It was literally the most excrutiating pain I have ever felt.. It felt like someone was stabbing and ripping apart my insides. I was screaming and crying and begging them to stop.. at one point the doctor stopped and said, "do you really want us to stop? because we really need to finish and we need to know its okay to go on?" I said "yes please just let it be done!" I couldn't take anymore I was covering my ears and squeezing my eyes shut and shaking uncontrollably.
In about ten to fifteen minutes it was over.

It was the most horrible painful experience of my life and I no doubt will have ptsd from it.

It hasn't left my mind in the last three days. If I could turn back time I never would have done it. I said that as soon as the procedure concluded.. I said "I wish I never did this".. and the pt. advocate that was holding my hand through the procedure whispered "me too."
They give you antibiotics to take after the procedure and take you to a recovery room with a heating pad and crackers and juice and soothing music. I just hysterically cried for about 20 min. I knew I had made a big mistake.. but who knows, its only been three days.. maybe I'm still just traumatized by the whole experience.. maybe in a month or so I will feel relieved. As of right now I feel very sad.

I feel even more empty than I did before.

Its a wierd thing to be pregnant for weeks and then all of a sudden not be.. you feel like something has been taken from you. My mom, two friends and boyfriend were the only people I told.. my mom was very sad because she wants a grandchild, but she was very careful not to push anything on me and told me that she trusted that I knew what was best for myself. My friends both told me how hard it would be.. they told me everything I would be giving up. They said that it would be too hard financially with my boyfriend making so little and already having another child. I just wish one person would have said yeah its gonna be difficult, but you can do it. You can make it work and you are going to be a fantastic mother.
I feel a lot of anger inside me for making this decision. When my boyfriend looks at me he tears up and he says its because all he sees when he looks in my eyes is pain now. I don't know how long I will feel this badly, but I hope its not forever. I know that if I could go back I would not do it.. and I certainly will never do it again.

Editor's Comment

This sounds a very traumatic experience which was probably worse because you were torn in your decision. Your heart seemed to be telling you to keep the baby while the pressure of your circumstances was pushing you towards abortion.
I presume you are writing from USA as in UK surgical abortions would usually be done under general anaesthetic or conscious sedation. It is very early days yet but if you continue to feel sad, guilty or traumatised I would encourage you to get some post abortion counselling.
This story was sent in on 01/10/2012 and it's been viewed 1,079 times.

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