My world came crashing down when I found myself pregnant.

Hi, I'm 19 and this year my world came crashing down when I found I was pregnant.
I'm at uni and have been with by boyfriend for 4 years. The one thing I am sure I want in my life is children, it is the only thing I am certain of. Just not now. I guess I just went into a state of panic and shock. All the options just swirled around my head. I told my boyfriend and the first thing he said was, "you know what needs to be done, you need to get an abortion". For him it was purely a practical decision, there was no emotion. He couldn't understand how it could be anything else for me. He couldn't understand why I even considered keeping the baby. But he can't understand, the baby wasn't growing inside him.
Although I tried my hardest I couldn't help but bond with the thing growing inside me, it was impossible not to.

We talked for a while, and eventually decided that I should have an abortion as it was the right choice.

I'm in my third year at uni, with a crappy part time job and his job isn't even permanent. Eventually he convinced me what I had to do. Although he told me it was my choice ultimately, it's hard to accept that when the other person involved is telling you categorically that they do not want you to keep this baby. So, looking back I do feel slightly pressurised by him. I only told my 5 closest friends. I never told my parents. I went to the clinic and found out I was only 5 weeks. Therefore, I had a medical abortion. In the week leading up to it I was numb. I just pretended it wasn't happening and I didn't actually thing about what I was going to do. From the moment I had the pills inserted I regreted it. My abortion didn't go to plan and my experience was so traumatic to me that I can't write it down here. When it was all over I felt physically empty. Something that was there once, wasn't there anymore. All in the space of 10 hours. I wished I'd never done it. **Although I know it was the right decision I wish I could take it back.** I still feel the same. I feel exactly the same way as I did when I came out the hospital that day. I wish with every fibre of my being that I could go back and change my mind. But I can't. I'm having trouble sleeping, have flashbacks and cry everyday. Somedays I don't even want to get out of bed. **I can't get over what I did and I can't forgive myself.** My boyfriend just expected everything to be okay afterwards and he hasn't even brought it up. He's showed no emotion, he's not even sad that i ended the life of something we made together. He's not been effected at all and I'm angry at him for this. How can he feel nothing? Every time I see something remotely baby related I constantly think of what could have been. I think that I could have done it, and I should have done it. My uni work has suffered because all I can think about is what I've done. I don't want to see any of my friends as it is exhausting pretending to be happy when I feel so unbelievably down. I hate myself for going through with the abortion, and I can't move on from what happened. When you go through the process everyone will tell you that you should take time to think about your options, and that it's your decision so take as much time as you need. **But the baby doesn't just stop growing because you don't know what to do does it?** I felt like I had to decide quickly or it would be worse in the long run.

Looking back now I should of taken more time do discover what I really wanted.

I know now and it's too late.
My family had put me on a high pedestal, they have always said I'm so sensible (so they would never have to worry about me getting pregnant young) and that I have to stick in a uni and get a good degree. Truth is I have never wanted to go to uni, I was forced into it. Part of me had the abortion because I didn't want to disappoint my family and ruin my chances of getting the degree they wanted. I had to factor my uni work into my decision about my baby, when I don't even want to do it in the first place. *I just wish now I could have been strong enough to be the person I want to be and make the decisions I want.* Not the person my family wants me to be. Although they don't even know about my abortion, I feel resentful towards them as part of me blames them. I have no one to talk to about any of my feelings. My friends can't understand and I don't want to burden them with all this. I can't face telling my parents.
I find it impossible to talk to my boyfriend as I know he doesn't feel the same, he thinks we made the right decision, and what's done is done therefore we should move on and forget it. I wish, I wish, it was that simple for me. I grieve the loss of my baby greatly, but I feel I should not feel all these feelings as I chose this path. I know I will never forget what happened and I will ALWAYS regret it, and right now I feel like I will never get over it. But, this is the main point of me telling my story here. There is light at the end of the tunnel ladies. There is help out there. Sometimes you have to get to your lowest points before you realise you need help. I looked on the internet for post-abortion counselling websites. I was looking for anything really, I just needed someone to talk to as a felt so alone.

I came across the Care Confidential website.

I must have looked at it 100 times before I was brave enough to contact an online advisor. She was so kind to me and it felt great just to write and get it all out for once. After a couple of emails she pointed me in the way of my local Pregnancy Choices Centre. Again, I must have written the initial email 100 times before I sent it. But I eventually did and got an appointment. **At first I was nervous, terrified and ashamed**. But I knew if I didn't get help now things could get much worse.
My counsellor was lovely. She made me feel so at ease, and I recognised that all the feelings I felt were completely normal. I had been brave in taking the first steps towards getting help. It felt so good just to talk to an impartial and non-judgemental person who would truely listen. She explained that they offer **The Journey** programme. Although its a commitment by you, she promised that they have seen brilliant results. She explained that although I feel at my lowest right now, the process will be tiring, difficult and painful. But, afterwards you will be in a place were you can look forward into your future and be a peace with your decision. I've only have 4 sessions, and although I am still very down I feel hopefully that one day I will finally be able to forgive myself and those around me. And will be able to talk about this experience without getting overwhelmingly emotional. Over all, I want to tell people that find themselves in a similar situation that its okay to be scared. It is important to take as much time as you need. It should be your decision, don't let expectations guide you too much. The experience can be painful and traumatic, and you can come out feeling regret and sadness.
It is normal to grieve the loss of the baby, even if you chose it. You have lost something. If you feel like you're struggling to cope, don't struggle alone. You are not alone. **Get in contact with your local pregnancy choices centre as they can and will help you.** It's such relief to be able to talk to someone and find out that you can get help. I am so thankful that I found the strength to admit I needed help, and I am hopeful that with the my counsellor's help I can get to where I want to be. Although it will be a long and upsetting road, I hope I can get to where I want to be eventually.

Editor's Comment

I am so glad you have found the help you need. It does take a lot of courage to contact total strangers when you are feeling so low and vulnerable, but thankfully you found the Online advisor and your counsellor warm and accepting, which helped you to overcome your anxieties. Hopefully you will be able to work through these painful emotions and find hope for the future.
This story was sent in on 08/11/2012 and it's been viewed 459 times.

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