It seems bad luck has been following me everywhere this past year. Early in the year my house burnt down, I was hit by a bus, had the usual car troubles x10, and recently was in a severe car accident that caused me to have a terribly broken foot. Also, I found out that I have to have my gall bladder removed and that my liver is not functioning properly. So up until a few weeks ago I had joked with friends that pregnancy was next on my bad luck streak, little did I know that it was about to happen for real.
Since moving home to be with my family while in recovery, I sought out comfort in a guy who was not my boyfriend. I made a choice, and knew it was a mistake before anything even happened. I'm 21 years old, and have always made a point of using protection, but of course,as luck (and a high amount of stupidity) would have it, I let it go for that one night.
So here I sit. Writing this, knowing I'll be judged and ridiculed. I'll be called stupid, naive, selfish and deceitful. Maybe I'll hear people say that if I really loved my boyfriend I wouldn't have made the choice to cheat. Some will say I deserve this, and that karma is getting it's way, and honestly, I can't disagree with that.
I keep asking myself what to do. It's a lose, lose, lose situation for me.
**Option 1: Keep the baby.** Looking at the pro's and con's, the con's definitely out way the pro's. I've always wanted to be a mother, but not this way. I want to be excited and have it be with someone I love. I feel sick thinking of telling my family, friends and especially my boyfriend, and I just can't do it. I can't hurt so many people this way. It would be a burden to too many. I'm currently on disability leave from work, and I have a lot of surgeries in my near future. Mentally, financially and overall health wise, I am not prepared.
**Option 2: Adoption.** This is a no brain-er. I could not hand off my child to another person. I couldn't bear it. Yes, it would have a better life, and yes, I would still be able to see it, but if I can't have it all then I'm not going to do anything by halves.
So this leaves **Option 3: Abortion.** Quick and easy right? Not so much... this is my dilemma. I have always been pro choice - depending on the situation. Teenage pregnancies, rape, abuse and otherwise I can see being justified for abortion, but other than that, there should be no reason to kill something innocent. I feel like abortion is selfish, that I am selfish for even leaning slightly towards it.
None of this has kicked in yet. I haven't cried. I haven't felt guilt, or happiness, or anything. Maybe this is still shock.
There's so much I want to do with my life before I have children.
I don't want my child to feel like it was never wanted.
I look at people that are younger then me, or in worse situations, women that are even less mature and more unprepared then me, and have had children. They struggle, but they're happy with the decisions they made to keep their child.
I know this sounds opposite... But my brain is telling me I can do this, but my heart is telling me I'll be in too deep and there is too much at stake.
Coming to the end of this, I've now chosen abortion and am completely scared because I know I'm taking the cowards way out. I need some kind of assurance that this is the right decision. Up until a few days ago, I was confident, felt mature and ready to take on anything, and now I've never felt more afraid and unworthy.
My appointment is next week. Selfishly I hope that it's quick and painless with no guilt attached. But somehow I know that won't be the case.
It sounds as though you have done a lot of thinking and really weighed up the pro's and cons. It is also important to try and weigh up each decision in terms of how important your values and beliefs about that decision are to you.
You have chosen abortion but in doing this you will have to block your feelings that abortion is only justified for teenage pregnancy, rape or abuse. How important are those values and beliefs to you? If you feel you can change those values you held without feeling you have gone against your beliefs, you will probably cope alright with your decision. If those beliefs and values are important to you, and make you the person you are, then you will struggle to come to terms with your decision, because you will be stepping outside your personal boundaries.
I think it may help you to talk through this decision so that you feel sure about your final choice.for unplanned pregnancy support.