Pills for an infection led to my medical termination

Every day for the past week I've been coming here to read of other people's experience of terminating their pregnancy in hope of feeling better about my own but it's been futile.

Now I've decided to share my own experience.

It was a week ago, June 11th, when I found out I was pregnant. I was feeling very ill for some time. Over 2 months and being pregnant never once crossed my mind so you can imagine the shock I was in when I found out I was pregnant.

It should've been obvious

It is only now looking back at my symptoms I realize it should have been obvious to me that I was. Some of the feelings I was having was dizziness, upset whenever I eat almost anything (especially meat), fever chills at nights.

I couldn't stand high colognes scent and suddenly the taste of toothpaste made me want to throw up. Also more recently I've been having to make frequent trips to the bathroom than before.

Two weeks prior to me finding out I was pregnant I visited a gp and describe to him how I was feeling. He asked me a few questions and told me to lie on the bed so he can examine me. He probed and pressed on my lower tummy and he inserted his finger in my vagina.

When he was done he told me I had a vaginal infection and prescribe 3 tablets for me to use over a period of 7 days and then return to him. Two had to be taken orally twice a day and one to be inserted in my vagina at nights.

I did that for the week and it didn't help the way I was feeling one bit. 

It was 2 mornings before going back to see the doc that I lay in bed and started actually processing the way I was feeling and it click with me that I may very well be pregnant.

The test showed positive almost immediately

Right away I got on my phone and research pregnancy symptoms and after reading for a bit I was positive that I was indeed pregnant. I texted my partner right away that I think I may be pregnant and he was not surprised because he told me he was actually suspecting I could have been.

He encouraged me to go to the doc and have it confirm. Later in that day I decided 2 get a test which showed positive almost immediately. I felt a bit of happiness which quickly turned to sadness as I weigh my options and realize I really couldn't keep it.

My situation is just very much complicated and I don't want to take up much time going into details but will brief you.

My family is not aware I am seeing someone as I had not so long ago ended an engagement (which is as a result of me falling in love with what should now be the father of my child). I know I love the guy I'm with and he very much love me but because of my religious background among other situations I knew it would be very risky and tough for me 2 go through with this pregnancy at this point in time.

I told my partner of my decision and he was not happy at all about it.

I went back to the doc the following day after taking the test and told him what I had discovered.

He said he'd have to recommend a termination

He immediately sat back in his chair and just stared blankly at me for a while. He then asked me how many children I had already and I told him none, this would have been my first. By the way I'm 26.

He was quiet again and then said he will have to recommend a termination because of the pills he gave me to treat the vaginal infection. He said it was not good for the pregnancy. I felt a bit relief when he was the one saying I had to get the termination.

Kind of took the guilt away from me a bit and I quickly agreed to get it done medically. I told him I would like to know how far along I am before doing it. I did a scan and I was shocked to find out I was 11 weeks along already.

I no longer wanted to go ahead with the termination but I kept thinking what if the fetus was damage by the pills.

I thought long and hard and decided I couldn't deal with the chance of something being wrong to the baby and went ahead with the termination.

Worst mistake I've ever made and wish I can undo it.

Right there in the doctor's office he inserted 2 pills and told me when I get home to be on strict bedrest. I got home and did just that.

At around 6 in the afternoon I went to use the bathroom and discovered I had just started bleeding but it was very light. I continued on during the night feeling fine with just a slight abdominal pain.

At around 2 the next morning I got up with some sharp abdominal pain that was so intense that I just wanted to scream but didn't want to cause an alarm to awake my family. They do not know of any of this and want it to remain this way.

The unthinkable happened

After what seem like 2 hours of agonizing pain I got up to go to the bathroom and nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

As I got up to go to the bathroom I felt like something pop below me and a gush of what I had believed to be blood running down my legs. However as I turn the lights on in my room I realize it was water mix with a little blood but mostly water.

I rush to the bathroom quickly with a change of underwear and another pad in hand. I got to the bathroom and quickly sat down just in time as blood started pouring out of me and I felt clots dropping freely.

After sitting for awhile I decided to get up and return to my room.

That's when the unthinkable happened.

Before getting up fully I looked down between my legs and there it was, the tiny fetus dangling from me just long enough for me to see it was normal before dropping in to the toilet.

The guilt and regret hit me like a ton of rocks

I sat back down on the toilet oblivious to what was going on below as my thoughts were then far off thinking of all the "should have" "could have" "would have".

When I look into the toilet the bowl was fully red in colour. There was not much else to recognize but blood.

I went into the shower to get cleaned up and just as I step in the blood kept pouring again and big chunks of clot were coming out. It was like a total blood bath in there and I just felt dizzy like I wanted to faint. Guess it was from seeing all that blood and realizing what had just happened.

When I was done getting clean up I return to bed and just lay there thinking of what I had seen.

All through the ordeal I was messaging my partner who was very supportive and tried to be comforting even though he wasn't happy about my decision.

Living in regret and haunted by the image

A week later and I'm still living in regret and haunted by the image of my baby sliding out of me and falling into the toilet like its filth.

I urge you all before making a decision to terminate a pregnancy to double and triple think it through before having to live in regret like I do every day. If I can have my baby return to me and continue his growth inside me I would be so happy.

This story was sent in on 21/06/2013 and it's been viewed 511 times.

Editor's comment

It is very hard to live with guilt and regret when you can't change what has happened.

The doctor looking after you led you to believe that the medication he had given you could have damaged the pregnancy and that obviously played a big part in your decision.

Now you can't change what has happened but you can get help to try to work through some of these painful emotions and I would encourage you to find some post-abortion support.

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