I had a medical abortion 7 months ago at 8 weeks 6 days pregnant.

I had a medical abortion 7 months ago at 8 weeks 6 days pregnant. Finding out was a shock even though I hadn't been entirely careful. I knew from the beginning that I would not be able to keep my baby. I had only been seeing the father a short amount of time and things weren't very stable. I am also at university studying and my course requires most of my attention without much time off. I was already finding things difficult as I had been raped three months before. Although I know it is no excuse, I also see this as one of the reasons for me going through with my termination. I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks, as it was during the Christmas period I wasn't able to terminate during that time. I chose to not tell the father of the baby even though I saw him a couple of time and was still speaking to him over text. I'd asked him so many times to see me leading up to my termination so that I could tell him but he always had an excuse, mainly due to his own 'problems' going on in his own life. In the end it was my sister, best friend and ex boyfriend that were there for me during this time. They were all there with me when I went for my appointments and afterwards when I started to bleed. The clinic I went to were very supportive, even opening on a day they were supposed to be closed so I could go in as I found it hard to get time off from my studies. I had been told what to expect, so there wasn't any surprises for me when I passed the baby. However, given my time again I would opt for the surgical option I think.

No amount of counselling before the procedure could have prepared me for what was to come.

Psychologically, I think it has done a lot of damage to me and with everything else that had happened to me before it made things so much worse. I told the baby's father about the abortion a week after having it after he went on another rant about how bad his life was. Despite my line of work I have never felt such a lack of sympathy for anyone. He had messed me around for most of the time I was seeing him and never had any regard of how I felt. Even when I told him what I had done he only asked once or twice if I was ok before going on nonstop about how the situation had upset him whilst expressing his feelings that he was actually happy about what I had done. He then disappeared off the face of the earth for around a month. I will admit when he resurfaced I was happy to hear from him. Even though he had not been there for me when I needed him, I still felt that a cuddle and reassurance would only do from him. I got it, but it turns out he had only come back for a short while to use me. In the end I told him that I no longer wanted to speak to him. Since then I haven't heard from him but found out that he had been seeing someone else when I was pregnant. this explains why he was never available when I was begging him to come and see me. All these things convince me that going through with my termination was the right thing to do for me, I would have ended up a single mother with either no prospects or have an even harder time than I already was in my studies.

I am heartbroken about the decision I made.

Between my abortion and being raped my life has change immensely. I cry all the time and only have short periods of feeling myself. Although I have regular counselling, it doesn't always help. I feel so guilty all the time as I only got myself in that position and as much as I tried to turn off my feelings I still loved the baby I was carrying. I dream of it often and it is on my mind almost constantly as its due date approaches. I often wonder if I will ever get back to normal. Many people knew I was pregnant, I couldn't really hide it as I was sick all the time, it was particularly difficult hiding it from my colleagues so I had to come clean and tell them I was pregnant. They don't know I had an abortion, believing that I miscarried instead. I feel terrible for lying about my situation! I feel even worse for choosing my career over my child. If I could take it all back, I would.

Editor's Comment

It seemed as though the bottom line was that you were with someone who was self absorbed and not really committed to you, so you could not tell him about the pregnancy, or talk through your decision together. I am sure the rape has had an enormous impact on you and would agree that it would have made it much harder to cope with an unintended pregnancy.
If you would like some ongoing support it is available. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 21/08/2013 and it's been viewed 377 times.

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