A surgical abortion at 9 weeks and 2 days.

As previous posts have discussed, abortions for multiples - in my case twins - is often taboo. The decisions I have made and the heart ache I have been through have left me broken and torn. Although ultimately my choice, I felt that there was no way I could keep my babies.
At 16 I fell pregnant with my first child, a beautiful little boy. I went through an extremely difficult pregnancy, resulting in my child's father attempting to stab me, attacking me in the street and months of ongoing mental abuse.
He was cautioned by police - never charged because of lack of evidence from witnesses and left to destroy my life. For two years he has attempted to pressure me into letting him see the child he tried so hard to get rid of and succeeded in destroying any friendships, chance of education and relationships I had.
Eventually, with a court order he was stopped from contacting me and I started university and met the man of my dreams, my now boyfriend of a year. The second of August this year (exactly three years to the day that I found out I was expecting my son) I received an order to appear in court this month. I was devastated, I have fought for years to protect my son and to have his court application finally accepted felt like a punch in the stomach. I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. I went to the clinic on the 9th of August, had a scan and consultation and they continued with a surgical abortion. I was 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
I left the clinic feeling emotionally and physically drained. I spent the night curled up with my boyfriend and son, sobbing and clinging to my stomach, unable to process what I had just done. A week after the procedure I was still being sick more than ten times a day and felt bloated. I decided to ring the clinic to book a follow up appointment. Another week later and I was sat back in the clinic waiting room awaiting a scan.

As they called my name I knew I was still pregnant.

My head and my heart were telling me I was and going into the consultation room, I was overwhelmed and passed out. As I came round they asked if I wanted to carry on and I agreed. As they did the scan, the technician looked at me and cried. I knew that something was wrong and started crying myself asking if I was still pregnant. She told me that yes I was pregnant, but that I was carrying twins and that I was in fact 13 weeks pregnant.
I walked out of the clinic and drove home in shock. I asked for a scan picture as I knew my boyfriend would never believe that this could happen. We made the decision to again, terminate the pregnancy.
My first had been so traumatic, I had opted to have no pain medication with my surgical abortion - **I somehow felt the pain I would feel would be punishment for what I was doing.** The nurse strongly advised with the second termination that I had an anaesthetic. I so badly wanted to turn and scream that I didn't want them to touch my babies and that I needed them. My appointment was booked for two weeks later.

I was heartbroken. I clung to my boyfriend, I didn't want to do it.

The helplessness in his eyes though, the knowing that my son would never have the life I wanted to give him, I couldn't continue with my degree and all the stress it would cause with my ongoing court case, I allowed myself to be taken to be prepped for the procedure. I stood in the room, half naked with a towel wrapped around my privates crying my eyes out and shaking uncontrollably.
The nurse and doctor agreed that two doctors would be in the room, one to perform the abortion and one to do a scan at the same time so they could be almost 100% sure that the pregnancy was terminated. As the anaesthetic flooded through my arm and hit my head, I shut my eyes. I couldn't watch and think about what was going on. *I did not want to abort my babies, I was 15 weeks pregnant, I had a bump and could feel slight movement.* My beautiful children were gone forever. I keep the scan photo in my Filofax. I keep it in my heart. I still haven't come to terms with my decision and will regret it until the day I die.
I made a decision because I was scared and I felt that it was right. I wasn't prepared to be a mum to two, but the decision to abort two children will ultimately follow me for the rest of my life.

Editor's Comment

The sadness and trauma you have been through is enormous. Making that decision and going through the procedure at 9 weeks was very distressing, but to face it again a few weeks later is unimaginable. I can understand the stress and grief you are experiencing when it was a decision you did not want to make. Perhaps if your first relationship had not been so abusive you might have had more strength to look at your situation differently. However, a relationship like this can put you into survival and self preservation mode, and fear of losing the stability you now had probably tipped the balance for you.
Please contact CareConfidential for post abortion help and support. There are stories on the website that describe the help women have received when they have summoned the courage to ask for help. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 16/09/2013 and it's been viewed 447 times.

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