In February of this year, apparently I conceived a baby.

In February of this year, apparently I conceived a baby. I was 16 at the time. No job, and was about to graduate from high school.
My boyfriend is 19 and had just turned 19 earlier that month. A couple of months later I noticed that I had missed a few periods but didn't want to believe that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant.
By around April/May everyone around me noticed the changes in my appearance, figure, behavior etc, including my mother. One Monday afternoon she brought home a pregnancy test and demand that I took it and threatened to tell my father of the possibility if I didn't. I did and the test result couldn't have been more positive.

I was very excited to know that I had an actual human being growing inside of me

I also felt sad to know that the first thing I would be told to do is abort it. I told my boyfriend and he was willing to be there for his kid. He told his parents but they didn't want us to keep it. I will admit, yes we were/are young and still have a lot to learn in this world but the fact that this was an innocent,helpless baby that was given to me as a gift from God himself and to know that I couldn't keep my little piece of heaven was heartbreaking.

I believe that no baby is a mistake and that everything happens for a reason. I felt my baby kick, I felt his heartbeat, I was already attached to him which made this situation worst.
Abortion is illegal in my country so I had to go abroad. By this time I was already 16 weeks pregnant. The day I went to the clinic I had my first ultrasound and still couldn't see my baby because of the positioning of the screen. I was given a pill to put under my tongue and was told to come back the following day. I had light cramping that night. The next morning I was given multiple pills back to back. By the afternoon (around 2/3o'clock) I was given the last pill. Minutes later my waters broke and my baby was literally pulled from out of me. My after birth did not come out right away so I was rushed to the ER.
During recovery I was too drugged up to even care about what was going on. But later that evening it all hit me and since then I haven't stopped crying as yet.

I have nothing to remember my baby by.

Not even a sonogram picture. I was never even told the gender but I know it was a boy. I felt it in my heart.
My mother is extremely guilty now because she knows that her decision was based on anger and she only thought about herself and her public image but never once thought of me and the pain and suffering I would endure. She too had an abortion and a miscarriage that almost tore her apart, she should never want to put me through that. I feel now like it was intentional but I know that it truly wasn't. It's been 5 months since my abortion and I am extremely depressed, guilty and heartbroken. There is a hole in my heart that can never be mended. It is so bad to the point where suicide is becoming an option. My boyfriend is very supportive and tells me that God knows what happened to my baby, it wasn't my wish and that he'll grant us with lots more but I need more than that to cheer me up. Just seeing a pregnant women triggers my emotions and causes me to cry. I don't want to be depressed forever, I need help with getting over this situation and I have no one to talk to. Writing this story is my first step in moving on.

Editor's Comment

It often helps to tell your story. It is very sad when you feel you have been pressurised into a decision you didn't want to make. You sound very sad and broken hearted, and I think you will have to give yourself time to grieve your loss. If you can access some post abortion support I think it would really help you. Perhaps to start with you could log onto Online advisor to get some help and support.for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 30/11/2013 and it's been viewed 330 times.

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