I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks

I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks after suffering severe sickness and taking a test. I was shocked and saddened because I used precautions with condoms and the morning after pill but both failed me on this occasion. I went to visit my GP who advised me of my "options". It was only on my second appointment with my GP that I was allowed a referral letter for a medical abortion (before 9 weeks) although it took almost two weeks to get an appointment with BPAS a charity organisation that assists women with unwanted pregnancies. This was the first time I had been in such a situation and I found myself lost and alone and confused as I've never supported the idea of abortion previously. The first appointment at BPAS was for the scan and blood pressure checks etc, then came the next appointment for the 1st medical abortion pill. I took it and was fine to continue my day as normal. The next day was the insertion of 4 pills into the vagina which I had asked the nurse to do for me as I was too scared to do this myself. I had to book into a hotel as there was no aftercare at the clinic and I wanted privacy as I could not return home, my parents were completely unaware of my pregnancy due to my religious background I had to keep the whole experience a secret.

It's a horrible thing to go through alone.

I tried to get some rest took codeine and prepared myself for the worst with a hot water bottle sugary snacks (as that's all I could stomach) and plenty of fluids. I fell asleep with a towel underneath my bum and awoke to pains similar to contractions, and that's when I felt the blood running and pass, within minutes I had given birth to a 7 week old foetus in my maternity pad. After rushing to the bathroom I saw it laying on the pad. **I could make out it's hands, fingers, feet, toes, eyes, ears, mouth, body, and everything.** I cried for hours at what I had witnessed.

They tell you not to look and to flush it down the toilet but as soon as you see it the thought of flushing your baby down the loo after essentially killing it will wreck you. I held it in my hands and wept for hours whilst deciding what to do with it and the most humane way to dispose of my unborn child. I would never wish this situation upon any one.

I used to enjoy meaningless sex until I was faced with the consequences

The harsh realities of what it means to be careless, with my body and with life. It's so precious. To this day I hate myself for what I did. I wish I could go back in time and been more sensible. Going through an abortion is not worth the risk, no matter how great the sex is. I'm not trying to scare anybody, but this is my story. I hope anyone going through this doesn't have to suffer alone or without hospital treatment. I had to bury my unborn child in a park. I will never get over the pain and hurt of having to do this. The empty feeling you get afterwards. Anyone who hasn't experienced it could not imagine it. Please think carefully about your treatment and get support of trusted family or friends.

Editor's Comment

It may be easy to block the reality of abortion when it is just words, but your experience of the stark reality was very painful and traumatic, particularly when you were so alone. I hope that this won't scar you for life but I do think you need trained help to overcome your trauma. Help is available and is completely confidential so I would really encourage you to contact someone, even if it is through the Online service at first. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 26/12/2013 and it's been viewed 205 times.

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