It was breaking my heart knowing that, deep down, we weren't ready.
I don't mean to scare anyone but the next part was the worst pain I have ever experienced.I was lying on the bathroom floor, crying, holding two hot water bottles to try and relieve the pain. I bled a lot, for a few hours, but luckily I didn't see any parts of the foetus. I also vomited and felt really nauseous throughout. I was pacing up and down a lot, from the bedroom to the bathroom, because I couldn't get comfortable or relieve the pain in any way.
The pain did eventually lessen after a few hours. I went to sleep and spent the rest of the day in bed. I bled on and off for about three weeks afterwards.
Emotionally, I felt numb for about a month after the abortion. I didn't discuss it with anyone and tried to block it out of my mind. That was the worst thing I could have done, because then it all hit me at once. I loathed myself, I didn't eat, I cried all the time, I was moody, I lost all interest in everything, I lost my sex drive completely and pushed my partner away. But every day, I feel a little better. It's not on my mind all of the time like it used to be.
I ask myself sometimes if I regret it.My answer? In some ways, but not completely. I was able to make an informed decision on the termination and my reasons for it were justified. Saying that, I would never go through it again. I know that one day my partner and I will have a baby and we will give it all of the love that we have, when we are ready.
It still hurts, but I think it will always hurt.
Harder still, my sister has recently gotten pregnant and it hurts so much to see everyone happy for her and to watch her bump grow. I realise how selfish it sounds but I can't help but think of my own baby. **I think about how our babies would be similar in age and could grow up together.** But I realise that this is unhealthy and hinders my recovery. I just urge anyone who is going through this to talk to someone. A partner, a friend, a parent, anyone. It's too hard to go through it alone. Talking about it when you are ready really does help.
Editor's CommentWhen termination is a very hard decision and you feel a bond with the baby you are carrying, it is often difficult to come to terms with the experience. Medical abortion also makes it all very real. Your heart expresses the pain, while your head is still telling you the rational things about your decision.
It sounds as though you are beginning to put your life back together, although your sister's pregnancy will be a constant reminder of what might have been. I think post abortion support would help you to be able to process these difficult emotions, and I agree that it is very important to be able to talk and not to bottle up your feelings. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.