I'm 18 years old and had a medical abortion just over 3 weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and probably will ever do. I was 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant and found out very very early. My partner of 4 years and I had been talking about children for ages but wanted to wait until we were settled into our own home. I had a 'gut instinct' that I was pregnant, took a test and sure enough it was positive. My partner and I had never been happier and we soon bonded with our 'little bean'. We told his parents who were extremely happy and supported and said I was welcome to move in with them until we could afford our own place. My morning sickness was bad but I was just so happy. The excitement soon faded when it was time to tell my Mum, I was petrified. I told her best friend who came round to support me when I told my Mum. My Mum guessed immediately and stormed out of the room..to cut a long story shorter she said I wasn't able to live at home if I decided to keep the baby, I was devastated. She sat myself and my partner down and went through everything with us and due to the fact that in the long run we didn't want our relationship to end because of financial problems etc we decided to go through with a termination. We also wanted to get our own place first.

My Mum took charge and booked an appointment at our nearest Marie Stopes clinic

I had a scan to confirm that I was 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant. The lady was lovely and I was lucky enough to get a picture which I keep in a frame on my window sill. We booked an appointment for the week later for a surgical procedure under sedation. My partner was so supportive and when I said goodbye to him to go upstairs my heart broke, I was so scared (I also have an extreme phobia of hospitals, blood etc etc) ,I made a friend while I was waiting which was lovely, one girl came out screaming and crying...then my name was called..I got undressed ...sitting on my own with my own thoughts I burst into tears had a panic attack and couldn't do it.
I left the clinic and lucky my partner was outside coming to pick me up and I fell into his arms. My Mum was also supportive and re booked an appointment somewhere else for the surgical procedure with general anaesthetic so I wouldn't be awake. I was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant and had another scan, I looked at the picture and this time (unlike my other one) I could see something, my heart sunk. However the woman was quite intimidating so I didn't ask for a picture (something which I regret everyday) I waited another 2 hours was called in, and suddenly the doctors and staff weren't so friendly. I got undressed again and walked into a large room with a single bed, lots of equipment and about 7 doctors (all of a different race, I am in no way racist but I live in a quiet small town and was very intimidated and scared) .....I had another panic attack.

I was in absolute pieces..I had been through absolute hell and it wasn't getting any easier

I spoke to a lovely woman who said maybe the medical procedure would be best for me (the thing that my partner didn't wants to go through) I took the first pill there and then and booked an appointment the next day to take the following pills. The next day at 9 weeks and 2 days I took the following 4 pills stuffed into my cheeks...15 mins later the pain started and I could barely make the 40 minute journey home, I was sick 5 times, my legs were cramping and I was in so much pain. Cutting it short again....I passed my pregnancy all at once which was a huge shock and so scary and everyone told me I would clot through-out 2 weeks. Luckily my Mum and Nan were there so I didn't have to see anything, then I realised ...that was my baby.... I continued to bleed heavily and was in pain for about 4 days until I was able to walk around and 3 weeks later here I am no pain and no bleeding. I am starting to really struggle with my decision as is my partner but with the support of people we are moving forward slowly and looking forward to the rest of our lives. I love you always my little Bean,love Mummy. xxx

Editor's Comment

A very difficult experience and it sounds as though you were struggling with the procedure as well as the decision you had made. At 18 although you had chosen to keep the baby, your mum still had a lot of influence in your life and decisions. I hope that you and your partner will be able to work through some of the thoughts and feelings you are struggling with. It is often helpful to have some post abortion counselling and support, and I would encourage you to contact CareConfidential if you feel unable to move on from this experience.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 06/01/2014 and it's been viewed 220 times.

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