He's gone, my baby is gone and I am left confused.

I'm 29, the ripe age for a baby hey. I never thought I wanted children and always thought if one came unplanned I would abort it... Then it happened. My partner and I, going out for nearly 1.5 years got pregnant. I was Living in Sheffield, just started a PhD I was unsure about and he was in Liverpool in his final year of a medical degree. I was battling with homesickness and was unsure about if I had chosen the right course and generally didn't really know what I wanted out of life. he said he would do whatever I wanted and I said that I would have to get a termination... I hadn't thought about it. I was meant to be going on a research ship in the next week and so my appointment was put back, we found out very early anyway. In that time I began to think...... Maybe I did want my baby. I had to speak to my partner, he had just agreed to what I wanted but I had to speak to him, we had to decide this.... us. So we took time, I spoke to people, he didn't really speak to anyone. I had counselling, but this was in Sheffield not in Liverpool so he got some separately. No one told me what to do I was just offered support. I knew I could make a good mum and even if I didn't do the PhD I know we would get by and be ok.... but would the stress around his exams be too much for him... All I ever worried about was would it be too much for him. I never really thought about me, I knew I could cope. I wanted to do it with him though, I couldn't make him a father if he didn't want it. He was still so unsure, he spoke to his friends, some of whom told him they thought we shouldn't keep it, that's what they would do (how they knew that I will never know). He decided he didn't want it. I wanted it... I never told him I wanted it... but I wanted it. More than anything though, I wanted him, and us and a family. I come from a broken home and I didn't want my baby's life to start that way, although who knows what happens in life. So, I said that we should get an abortion. even though I had said if he wasn't there, I would keep it. I did what was best for us and him and I said let's do it. We walked to the hospital and we got there and I broke down, I cried and couldn't stop and I was so scared. We were given more time to think and my surgery was put off until the afternoon. I didn't know what to do, he was saying he just wanted to take me away from there and that's all I wanted him to say but I didn't believe it was because he wanted the baby. So after talking and talking we both sat in silence, with our decision to be made when the silence broke. He said to me.... let's keep it and I said let's terminate. I didn't believe him, I didn't believe he wanted it. I was terrified.
All along people had told me of the stress and he had said how he wasn't sure he would cope and that he didn't want it and all these things and I was so confused and I just wanted everything to be back the way it was. The way it was when we were us and we were totally in Love. We had been so strong together that I thought we could get through anything but he didn't seem to believe he would cope with a baby until then, that moment when he said yes.

So I did it, I had the abortion.

Confusion, fear and desperation for us to be ok made my decision for me and I terminated the pregnancy. I lost my Lucy.... I gave her away. I thought it would be easy to decide we had made the wrong choice and have another baby rather than him being so stressed he could not cope if we continued. He said he was worried about my stress and how I would cope. I knew I would be fine. I have had a difficult upbringing but if there is one thing above all that I excel in it is looking after others. It was my way baby.... I hate that he said he was worried about me and if I could cope. He told me specifically he couldn't but he just assumed that I wouldn't be able to. We said we would be strong and we said we would work through this and be there for each other.

Then he left me.

6 weeks after the termination, we had an argument as I found he had been lying to me about porn but telling me he had no interest in sex. He was distant and he were talking about it but he said he loved me more than anything and that he has never felt this way about anyone. He has had the best year, the best birthday, the best holiday, the best sex,... the best everything.. so he says... but we are not right for each other. He can't handle it, the relationship is too up and down. The relationship was great! We had some tense times, like when I moved away but it was great. He just left me. The one reason I didn't keep my baby, the one reason was to make sure we were ok and that we could be more stable and then have a family... then he left. He says it is nothing to do with the termination and it has nothing to do with "last year's guilt" (6 weeks ago... in december). He's gone, my baby is gone and I am left confused. Everyone EVERYONE told me that this was my decision, I said no that he was important to me an that it was us. I don't blame him for the abortion, I love him. But he is gone and I am lost and I am not sure how I will ever rebuild myself. I never believed in relationships until I met him and my heart has been torn out. I have no idea how to make these things better and I know time will help but the pain is so great. I was never offered counselling after it and now I have to wait months before I get any. Having an abortion has been the worst experience of my life, I have lost everything. Having a baby would have been the best, it would have been hard and maybe he still would have left but I would have had my child.

Editor's Comment

I am so sorry that the decision you thought would save your relationship failed. The uncertainty you both felt made it an impossible choice, and although you hoped things would go back to how they were, you had both been changed by the experience you went through. Losing the pregnancy and the relationship are two enormous losses, and I am not surprised you are feeling so much pain and loss.
If CareConfidential can help support you until you have your counselling please contact us through the helpline or confidential Online counselling service.for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 27/01/2014 and it's been viewed 235 times.

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