I found out I was pregnant on Christmas day.

I just had my procedure done 4 days of all days on my husbands 41st birthday.
I found out I was pregnant on Christmas day. I missed my period and had taken a test that was negative,2 weeks earlier. I knew I was pregnant when my breasts became so tender. At first I really didn't believe it. I had just had a miscarriage of a blighted ovum in Oct. I told my husband I wanted to try one more time, and that would be it. Since we are both older.I'm 37. It was what I had wanted and I told him I would be happy.

Well the fear and panic set in. I have one child. He is 3 and my pride and joy. He was born 6 weeks early due to severe hypertension. I was in the hospital for 5 days trying to control the pressure and then they decided to take him out. I had almost coded twice because the medication was too much. I had never been so scared in my entire life. He was then born and I couldn't even see him because I was sent to the i.c.u to try and save me. My blood pressure went down a little there so I was able to return to delivery. It spiked right back up. Long story short I left after 11 days and he left after 14. He was fine except for his weight 4lbs. He is delayed physically due to low muscle tone. I suspect it could have been the prematurity or all the meds they gave me. It may have been something genetic. We decided to try for another even though my husband has really never wanted to after that experience.
We were trying for 2 1/2 yrs. There were more than one occasion when I thought I might be pregnant and the fear set in. I want to have another child I just don't want to be the carrier. For fear of so many things.
I don't want my son to be an only child and be alone when we are gone. Having a sibling even if you don't like them that much they are your flesh and blood. My rational mind sometimes steps in and tells me that he will be o.k.
Back to the most recent. So I was continuing to not want the pregnancy, researching herbal abortion methods and taking loads of vitamin c and then feeling guilty. Also realizing how unsafe that could be.

I went to a clinic and had 2 ultrasounds which showed one baby. I was feeling so sick, so depleted and terrified that I called the clinic. It was a week later and they did an ultrasound and discovered it was identical twins, I cried for the fact my husband is an identical twin. I set the appt. for the next day because it would work out well. I didn't have to work and my husband could come with me. It all happened fast. I didn't feel good about but knew that it was the safest best decision,for my health and these unborn children. My son said something about his brothers to the babysitter right before and left and that is still haunting me. I told my husband and he said he is 3 he is just talking. I believe in signs and I worry that was my sign not to do it.
I will never know and I'm now struggling to live with this decision. My blood pressure has been elevated ever since and isn't going done. I don't deal with stress well. I just keep thinking I want to try again. I know my husband won't even consider it. I just feel so empty and my heart is aching. It is like I want another child more than ever. Maybe it is all the hormones. I'm seeking some counselling and hope I can gain some acceptance someday.

Editor's Comment

I think counselling will be good to help you to work out what has happened over the last few weeks. It sounds as though you wanted the pregnancy but felt overwhelmed with fears for your own health and well being. This is something that could worry you again if you did get pregnant, so it would be good to work through these fears before you make any future decisions. You can call the national helpline, or log on to Online advisor for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 27/01/2014 and it's been viewed 133 times.

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