I am a 31 yr old mother of 3 boys and 2 girls, ages 11, 10, 7, 2, and 1. Yes I'm one of those people that said I never wanted children but I wouldn't have it any other way now. It is very challenging, but I love them dearly.
I recently found out that I was pregnant. This may sound crazy but I knew 3 weeks after she was conceived. I know, some people will say impossible, but me being pregnant 6 times I just knew.
I was very angry with myself, I told the father(the father to all five) that I was pregnant, and he said naw it's too early to tell, but turns out I was, and I was very unhappy. I knew I was not emotionally stable to care for another infant with a 1 and 2 year old.

My children told me I became withdrawn and zombie like. I did nothing everyday but lay on the couch. Don't get me wrong, with my other pregnancies, I was sick yet happy...wondering how I was going to care for another but I made room in my mind and in my heart before birth. With this one, there was nothing. At one point in time I started to feel hatred..for myself for being so careless and for the baby. I knew what had to be done. I went through the procedure like a champ, my support system and I even went out to eat afterwards. I went home kissed my babies and felt a sense of relief, until I laid my head down on my pillow for the night. It all poured out of me. I am going on my 3rd day now and every night at the same time I cry. I know in my heart that I was not ready to care for another, but at the same time I am bashing myself for being so weak. I have not yet mastered the moving on thing yet, but when I do I will write back. I am not saying that I should have kept her, because I know that it wouldn't have been fair to her if I wasn't with it emotionally and mentally...really I don't know what im saying right now, but do what you think is best for you. you if you are single or you and your partner will have to be the ones raising this baby, and if you are not ready for it, don't bring him/her into this world because a child needs all of you not half. im not one for abortion every time a women pops up pregnant, but I think a lot of women should have thought about it before they had them, so much abuse. but im going to end this here, and say you are not alone with this, and I know the world will make you feel like it sometimes, but the world is not what's going to help you through providing...so be strong ladies..

Editor's Comment

You sound as though you are torn in different directions at the moment, and I wonder if your head is rationalising your situation, but when you lay down for the night and your head switched off a bit, your heart feelings came pouring out. It might help to have some post abortion counselling to work through and understand what is happening. Support is available for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 22/02/2014 and it's been viewed 35 times.

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