I opted for an abortion.

I found out three weeks ago that I was pregnant and I thought I was further gone than I actually was, I found out literally at 4 weeks gone, I've only been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I was on the pill called Gederal and I never missed a single one. So unfortunately I was one of the unlucky ones that fell pregnant.

I'm only 18 and am still in sixth form, although my boyfriend is older at 21 he made it clear from the moment he found out that he is not ready for a child and that he knows that I'm not as well, he kept reminding me that I had plans to travel the world next year and all of these other plans.

I was very emotional and was set against an abortion.

My mother managed to raise me and my sister with only 13 months apart from the age of 17 and I felt like she would be so angry and disappointed with me if I decided to terminate my pregnancy, as while I was growing up she always said 'if you can lay down and make a baby then you can raise one'. I believed this saying, until you are in the situation of being a young person and being pregnant you can't fully say what your decision would be.
Money would be a major issue for me, my boyfriend does work full time but still lives at home and his wages aren't amazing, and I only part time right now due to school, so money would have been a major issue, also I live with my grandparents and they said they would support any decision I made, I just didn't want to burden them with a great grandchild to help raise.
I always promised myself that any child I had, I would provide for, and I would try my hardest to be in a loving relationship with it's father as my parents never were. So after A LOT of crying and thinking, I opted for an abortion.

I self referred myself to my local marie stopes clinic, everyone was so lovely and caring towards me, I rang up numerous amounts of times to the hotline asking loads of questions and spoke to a counselor also, at first I opted for the medical abortion as I still fitted in the time frame, but after it was booked and a lot of research I decided it wasn't for me, I just didn't want to have to remember anything that happened, having to physically see the pregnancy pass over the next week or so would traumatize me even more, so I rang and arranged a surgical appointment.
My boyfriend drove me there and I first had a scan saying I was 7 weeks pregnant and had my bloods done and blood pressure, I then was told my boyfriend had to leave and come back in an hour. I was really scared as now I just felt so alone, in the waiting room there was 5 other women, all sat in silence.
After an hour of waiting I was called, I was told to undress from the waist down and then the woman would come back and get me. I used to suffer with anxiety and then found it to come back straight away as I had a huge panic attack. All of the staff were so comforting and made me feel a lot calmer, the anaesthetist gave me the sedative during my panic attack and then I was laid down and talked to by a nurse, I don't remember anything as I think I fell asleep however at the time I know I was in pain but straight after I could only remember I was in pain at the time and couldn't and still can't now remember how much it hurt, so it must have been bearable.
As the sedative started to wear off I was given crisps and biscuits and then I felt completely fine, I was in no pain at all and when they checked my pad there was only the tiniest bit of blood.

Now though, I'm finding it hard to deal with my emotions, I feel like I made the right decision but I just feel sad that I was in the position in the first place, I wish I had been more careful. I have a few counselling sessions booked for me and unfortunately my doctor suggested that I go back on my antidepressants for a while but I think with these and the support of my family and boyfriend I will be able to always remember why I chose the decision I did and think of the positives rather than focussing on the negatives all the time.
I know it will stay with me forever, but one day when I am in a stable part of my life with a house and career and a good income I will hopefully be blessed with the chance to have a child where I can raise it exactly how I have always planned.

Editor's Comment

I think that because you were set again abortion at the beginning but felt it was a decision you had to make, your emotions can kick in afterwards and make you feel emotional and sad that things could not have been different.
It sounds as though you were well cared for and it is great that you have so much support from family and friends. If you feel that you do need more support it is available. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999 or log into Online advisor. There are also independent post abortion counsellors who are available to support you on a one to one. for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 28/02/2014 and it's been viewed 113 times.

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