Realistically I can't have this baby and be unmarried

I am 40 years old and divorced with three children 17-10.
Nine months ago I met and fell in love with an amazing man and we have had an amazing time together. I have never enjoyed sex so much or felt so much for someone before.
My previous husband was abusive and nasty especially throughout the pregnancies.
I have been at uni for the past year and am about to qualify with a post grad in teaching, even have a job lined up for September. All is good, I have a lovely house with a small mortgage and even my ex husband is behaving better.

5 days ago I found out I was pregnant.

Obviously unplanned and unexpected. Firstly it's all I can think about and I don't want an abortion but I am also not stupid it is the sensible thing to do.
My boyfriend also wants to terminate but says he will support me whatever. Realistically I can't have this baby and be unmarried, haven't said this to him! My ex husband would try and take the kids, they are at a private school and I worry it could be humiliating for them to have an un married single mother who is pregnant.
I also feel that I can't put my boyfriend through an unwanted pregnancy, I love him too much to see him in pain. He has been through an abortion before and actually wanted that baby so really suffered however he really doesn't want this one. Partly that hurts but it is just for practical reasons.
I am really struggling with this and don't know what to do, although I realise what I will have to do. I worry that termination will make me hate him and having the baby will ruin us anyway, that sounds so selfish. He is also concerned that at 40 too much can go wrong and we both know we couldn't have a child with special needs. I already have one with aspergers and he is enough. I am lucky as I have so much with three amazing kids and a boyfriend who I love very much. Wish I could just sort this out.

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though there is a battle going on between your head and your heart. Your heart response is your comment, 'I don't want an abortion', your head response is all the circumstances you have mentioned; not being married, your boyfriend not wanting the baby, your age, your ex husband's response.
What you have to work out is how you will feel going against your heart response? If it means a life time of sadness and regret that may be very hard to live with. Unfortunately whatever your decision it will have an impact on your present relationship; you can't turn the clock back. There is a part of you that is saying, 'why doesn't he want our baby, conceived in a loving relationship?' If you have the baby, is your boyfriend going to resent it?
It would be good to talk this through with someone independent so that you feel a measure of peace before you make your final decision. Please contact the national helpline 0300 4000 999, or log onto Online advisor for some help and support.
This story was sent in on 10/05/2014 and it's been viewed 313 times.

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