At 19 years I was forced to have an abortion

At 19 years I was forced to have an abortion because of the "bad" name my family would get if I gave birth to a baby without even getting married.
The baby's father was a guy who I had slept with about four times. He didn't accept the baby and soon got married to his childhood lover. I wasn't in love with him, but I was heart broken that I was all on my own.
I met my current boyfriend, who lived on an island about 8 hrs from where I lived, while I was pregnant and he didn't mind the baby at all. but it mattered to me. I kept thinking, how would a guy love a baby that's not even his? would he accept it happily? Would our marriage work with a baby that's not his?
I thought about all these and ended up thinking our marriage wouldn't work.
On the other hand I received no support from my family. My parents wouldn't talk to me at all. All I had was my two younger sisters' support, who were as excited as I was. At the time I decided to keep the baby and went to a clinic and got myself scanned. I was four months at the time and was super excited as I saw my baby for the first time. I went home to show it to my mum. She didn't even look at the scan photos. Of course I was heartbroken.
During the four months of my pregnancy I would cry everyday.

I finally decided what I would do and what would be better for my baby. I went for an abortion. Of course I couldn't look after a baby without it's dad, and without my family's support. And besides, I had no job. How would I raise my baby? How would I educate it? The best thing I could do was to go on with abortion. And there I was, a few day later, at an abortion clinic. I was all alone and scared there, in labour. I couldn't explain the pain I went through. The nurses didn't really care. When I told them I was in pain, all they said was "you're in labour". I kept crying but nobody came.
When my baby finally came, I found out it was a boy. A baby boy! I always wanted a boy at first! I obviously couldn't put him back into my womb now.
Here I am now, moving on with my boyfriend. Happy. Yet the guilt I feel, I can't explain. I went through an abortion. I'm looking forward to getting married to my boyfriend and having a baby soon.

Editor's Comment

It must have been heartbreaking to have decided to keep the baby, and then felt that you would have to choose abortion. Having a later abortion at 4 months is also more distressing. You may find that having some post abortion support will help you to come to terms with this difficult experience. for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 23/06/2014 and it's been viewed 243 times.

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