The anniversary of the abortion is fast approaching & its all I can think about, but the thing is this should be the happiest time of my life right now... After the abortion my ex & I got our relationship back on track (we had still been in love for all the years we had been apart) the split with my son's dad was final & we were all following our own paths. The abortion was still on my mind a lot of the time & I found it very hard each day to live with what I had done. I became obsessed with babies, pregnancy or anything pregnancy related. My ex (now my boyfriend) & I had been having unprotected sex ever since the abortion, we both regretted the abortion deeply & we knew we wanted a baby together, months passed & with every period came an overwhelming sadness & the bleeding reminded me of what I had done until finally in February a week after my 27th birthday I found out I was pregnant again. We were so happy & it was the news I had been hoping for. The pregnancy took its toll emotionally on me, I was all over the place & still very up & down because of the abortion, it put a huge pressure on my relationship & eventually when I was 12 weeks pregnant my boyfriend decided to leave, this broke my heart & I fell apart.
He said that the abortion had broken our connection. Those were the hardest words for me to hear. In the coming weeks we managed to start over & began to rebuild our relationship, our scan showed a healthy little baby & our bond was getting stronger again...we were so deeply in love with each other & knowing we created a tiny piece of ourselves with our love was the most amazing feeling in the world...so why wasn't I ecstatic like I should have been? Why wasn't I over the moon & jumping for joy? This whole pregnancy has felt like an out of body experience, it's not happening to me, I haven't consciously felt it & cherished it, this really saddens me & breaks my heart especially because I know how lucky we are to be given this second chance at being parents together.
My boyfriend is so excited at the prospect of becoming a father & always tells me how excited he is & how he is so glad he is having a baby with me...yet I cannot fully share that excitement. I think that we got pregnant again too soon after the abortion & we should have waited longer until the emotional scars had healed. Perhaps in my mind I was trying to replace my aborted baby? To put right the wrong that I did? I don't know?
The due date for our aborted baby passed, the heartache & the sadness tore through me & the tears I cried could have flooded the world, I moved on in some ways & hardly thought of the abortion even though it did still cross my mind now & again. Now I am 36 weeks pregnant & the anniversary date for the abortion is coming around & every day as it draws closer it gets harder & harder knowing what I did & how we ended our child's life. The anniversary date falls on a Thursday & the due date for the baby I am carrying is exactly a week later on a Thursday, with both dates being so close together that has certainly made it a lot harder. Over the past few days the emotions hit me & took over my thoughts. I thought if I spoke to my boyfriend it would remind him how awfully I had acted, it would dredge up the past & he would leave again. I thought I should deal with it on my own.
I eventually broke down & sobbed my heart out to my boyfriend & told him everything, he was so understanding & loving towards me & said we have to forgive ourselves to move forward...but I can't forgive myself & I wonder why this baby deserves any more of a chance than our other baby?
We interrupted life, that baby was a person too, just at an earlier stage in his/her life. I still remember when I saw my tiny 8 week old baby. That image will haunt me for the rest of my life. I still hate myself for what I did.
I want to enjoy this experience of carrying the baby of the man I love & the magic of creating a new life but part of me is holding back. The abortion has in some ways stripped parts of my confidence away & it will take a lot longer than a year to rebuild that confidence. I still feel the sadness & emotional pain, I still think to myself 'I wonder what our baby would have looked like', & if we loved each other enough to make a baby why wasn't that enough for us to protect the baby no matter what? So many questions & thoughts that cannot really be answered so I know I have to try & put it to rest, look forward & enjoy this pregnancy I have been blessed with for what it is...the magic of life & creation, a new start & a second chance. I hope that in time I will learn to move on & forgive myself & I will step off the emotional roller coaster. I hope that the pain will subside & the emotional scars will heal.
Editor's CommentDeciding to end your pregnancy last year has caused you enormous pain and heartache. It is very hard to read your story and hear that emotional pain of grief and regret. Often another baby can be a great comfort and channel for healing, but as you say it also brings back a lot of memories and thoughts about the baby you never had.
Some of the things you have said are not uncommon for women who struggle after abortion like the obsession with babies and pregnancy related issues, and being haunted by images. It is also often hard to forgive yourself and let go because in some way you don't feel you deserve to be forgiven.
I do believe that the pain and emotional scars can heal but sometimes you need help with that to break the cycle of blame and grief that is trapping you. There is a post abortion support programme called The Journey that can help you to work through these painful emotions and to move on. If you would like to have some post abortion support please log into Online advisor for post abortion support. , or call the national helpline 0300 4000 999 so that they can put you in touch with a practitioner