I want to give my first child the world

I'm 19 and only been with my boyfriend for 8 months, not long but we are like a married couple. I found out I was pregnant bursting into tears on the bathroom floor. The only thing I could think was how can I afford to look after it on tattoo apprenticeship. My boyfriend was happy yet could see my worry and doubts. The test said I was 4 weeks gone, we spoke long hours about it. I kept breaking down in tears as I felt guilty, he was ready for kids. I see how he is with my 2 year old sister, he is perfect to be a dad. I was mother ready but money was we wasn't. We came to a agreement that it wasn't fair on us or the baby, I want to give my first child the world and let them explore it. Me and my boyfriend wanted to first, so abortion it was. I kept crying sorry but he was so supportive and so was my mum when we explained. First doctors appointment was scary, they was running late. It just drove me into pure anxiety attack. Not to mention the letter said full bladder, they asked me and him both question. Then sent me into another room for a scan, i tried to not look at it but my boyfriend broke down in tears and said " is that ours?" My heart sunk, I looked at the scan and it felt like someone ripped my heart out. That was my first baby and I felt so guilty. After they gave me my first tablet and made us sign a form, I tried my best to stay strong for him but I broke down in tears after getting outside. A day and half later I went back, this time I was given two nausea tablets, antibiotic then 4 abortion tablets to keep in my cheeks for 30 minutes. I did so, he suggested to get hot water bottle, sanity towels, pain killers and a rubbish comedy to help me. It only took me 45 minutes before i felt something going on inside me. I started to cry and begged we rush home. The whole car ride everything grinned on me music, other people, traffic lights. I felt this urge or anger and pain. Getting indoors it felt like something was cutting up inside me. Then an hour later I felt the urge to push, I went toilet and there was a sock in my sanity towel, I burst into tears because I knew what it was. After cleaning myself up, I went down stairs where my boyfriend had hot water bottle, tea, my tablets and blanket ready for me, he had this helpless look on his face. He could see my pain, and the pain was horrible. Cramps in timing like waves, then clots. I felt dirty, tired and just wanted to feel numb. The guilty just sat there after seeing "it" but I will get through this, one day I will be able to have another child when ready to give them the world.

Editor's Comment

This sounds like a difficult decision for you and your boyfriend, especially when it was financial consideration that pushed you towards abortion. I hope that you are recovering from the abortion but please contact CareConfidential if you would like post abortion support, for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 21/11/2014 and it's been viewed 197 times.

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