I had an abortion on my 43rd birthday

I had an abortion on my 43rd birthday, on 20th October 2014. It was the last thing I expected to happen to me.
I am mother of four children, one primary school age and three grown up. My five year old child was unexpected, an 'accident' as they say. So the last thing I wanted was a fifth child. My family is complete, and I never in a million years expected to be pregnant at 43 years of age!
I had not even realised that my husband had penetrated me, without wanting to sound crude about it, as I honestly had no idea that the night we had a fumbled attempt in the bedroom, that he had actually got somewhere with me.
When I found myself over two weeks late with my period I put it down to a possible menopause since I had been quite late the month before also, and I read that could be a symptom of the first signs of menopause. I spoke to my husband about my concerns and stressed how we'd not had sex so it couldn't possibly be a pregnancy. Then, to my absolute horror, he just casually filled me in on how yes, he had entered me so to speak and yes he had climaxed!
I was in shock and got myself a pregnancy test straight away. It was positive. Straight away I set about arranging an abortion. I couldn't possibly contemplate having another child.
Our five year old already has to sleep in the dining room, as we only have a small four bedroom house. There's simply no room for another child, not to mention our finances being dire at the moment. We rely on my husband's income as a civil servant, and we're still struggling to pay off credit cards and loans. I have no employment, I simply don't have the time, my life is already consumed by the housework and there would be no time for me to care for a baby. It's a nightmare.
Feeling totally ashamed of my predicament and not wanting to share my shame with the children I kept it a secret from the family. It was only my husband and I who knew of the impending abortion. It didn't help that I could not get an appointment at the clinic until three weeks after first discovering I was pregnant. I was in sheer turmoil for those weeks having to wait for the foetus to be removed. I did not want it to continue to grow inside of me, not when I knew what I was intending to do to it.
I suffered from all the usual early symptoms of pregnancy. It was not easy keeping it from my kids. But I did.

I was angry at my husband, and I still am.

I don't think I will ever stop feeling angry with him. If only he'd let me know after point of conception that I was at risk of being pregnant then I would have gone for the morning after pill. I felt so alone, as if he'd let me down. He told me he didn't think I could get pregnant because of my age! Like that makes it ok for him to use me like a slab of meat! Because I was the one that had to deal with the consequences of his irresponsibility. Anyway, didn't help that at the time of my consultation with my GP she (my GP) was heavily pregnant herself. Not nice asking to be referred for an abortion when the person (GP) you're speaking to is 8 months pregnant. I wanted my husband to go through the abortion or to be there with me during the procedure so he could feel a piece of the pain I was going through, but no he was spared that, and simply had to turn up to collect me from the car park. We told the children I had a cyst and it had to be removed and that was my excuse for being out of the house all day, and returning looking out of sorts.
I just wanted to get back on with my life, for everything to remain as normal as possible. I wanted to take my daughter to a birthday party and attend her harvest festival two days after the abortion, and I did. The sight of little babies at my daughter's school did not help my stress levels! Seemed suddenly I started noticing how many prams and pregnant mothers there actually were!
I don't regret having had the abortion. It was the right decision for the family, and for me. But I still have such an overwhelming anger inside, and keeping it secret it not easy. My husband does not want to talk about it. It's like he does not care. Maybe it's early days for me, and I hope that over time my feelings will subside, and the stress of the abortion will all be in the past.

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though you have suppressed your maternal feelings because you did not want another baby, but now they are starting to surface when you see babies that remind you of what you have been through. I'm sure the anger is masking a lot of hurt and painful emotions, and it may help you to have some post abortion counselling to work through these and draw a line under your experience. Support is available if you follow the link, for post abortion support. or call the helpline 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 12/01/2015 and it's been viewed 81 times.

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