I had an abortion on January 15th.

Have you heard the saying that we 'all have that one boy that no matter how much they hurt us, we would go back again and again?' Sounds stupid, yes? Well try getting pregnant to this boy. I was 23 when I split with my then partner and moved home to live with my parents and brother. My brother had a friend, he was cheeky, cocky, arrogant and a typical 'bad boy'. I became infatuated! We 'dated' on and off for a year and it was the most exciting, up and down relationship of my life. We literally could not keep our hands off each other. I knew it was never going to go anywhere as we were so different! I came from a family of doctors/lawyers and he was a builder, he was rough and treated me bad and that was the general appeal. Eventually we split, I met my husband and had 2 children, I qualified as a professor of physics and life was good.
I visited my parents at birthdays/anniversaries/christmas and often bumped into this 'boy' despite being happily married, the attraction was still there. We would look at each other and you could literally see the sparks- if we were ever on our own who knows what would have happened.
11 years passed and unfortunately my marriage broke down and I moved back to the area in which I grew up so that my parents could help with childcare (my ex husband works away often). It was only a matter of weeks before I bumped into the 'boy' at a mutual friend's dinner party. We started talking, which led to lunch, which led to bed. It was still there, just as passionate, dangerous, addictive and wrong. By this time I was 36, had a wonderful career in which I was respected, a lovely home and money in the bank; yet still I craved him like I did as a 23 year old living back home. He hadn't matured much, he was immature and still a bad boy. It wasn't going to go anywhere. Then on christmas day I knew I was pregnant. Just with my other 2 children I had sore breasts and I was exhausted. I did a test and 3 days later met to tell the 'boy'.
It was probably the first serious conversation we have ever had. We decided the only option was to abort; I could not be attached to him for the rest of my life. He was bad news, had little respect for women and wasn't interested in a relationship with me, the same way I wasn't after a relationship with him, although the thought of not being with him KILLS me.
I had an abortion on January 15th. I had the medical abortion and following 2 induced labours, 30+ hours of agony and horrendous period pains all my life, I was dreading a bloodbath experience. It was fine. I went back to my sister in law's house after the last tablets, we ordered food and watched a movie. I didn't even need to take pain killers at all. I was aware when I passed the pregnancy, but the bleeding was no more than a heavy period. It was all over in a matter of 3 hours.
One thing I will advise is that you ask for a photo of the scan. Get them to place it in an envelope and give it to a friend you trust. If you don't want to look at it, that's fine, but one day you might and you have the option. I got a photo. My baby was 8 weeks and you could make out the head etc and see a heart beat on the screen.
The saddest thing for me is that I wanted the baby, well part of me did. I wanted to have a part of him always. I wanted to have a connection to him and have something we had both made. But at the same time they were the very same reasons why I had to have an abortion. I lay at night with my hand over my stomach and I wished he would knock on the door, talk to me with respect, give me a hug, bring me flowers, tell me, 'it won't be easy, but we will make it work'. None of this was going to happen. So on the day we went to the clinic together, he asked to see the scan photo, he looked at it and placed it back in the envelope like it was the most precious thing he had ever held and handed it back to me. When he dropped me at my sister in law's later that day I knew that was the very last time I would look into his eyes and that was the hardest part.
I wrote this for 2 reasons;
1. is to paint an honest picture of my experience as there are some awful stories out there, it's not ALWAYS terrible and sometimes the pain you have to go through is preferable to the life you would have if you continued with the pregnancy.
but just as importantly 2. That it's not just teenage girls who get pregnant and have abortions. I am almost 40 and I have made some ridiculous mistakes in my life, but this is a whole new level. I feel like I should know better. I feel like an idiot for ever going back to him. I am embarrassed by how he spoke to me that day and how he flirted with me all the way home. Finally, I am hoping I get to look into his eyes again. Will I ever learn?

Editor's Comment

Your head was definitely telling you that the relationship and the pregnancy did not fit into your life and successful career, but your heart was sending you different messages about both. It is hard when you are unable to reconcile these 2 areas of yourself.
I wonder if it would be helpful for you to explore with a counsellor why this man has such a hold on you? It's probably nothing to do with him or his bad ways! and it may help you to build a different relationship in the future.
This story was sent in on 20/01/2015 and it's been viewed 44 times.

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