I had an abortion 4 months ago.

I had an abortion 4 months ago.
I had been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years and we had just moved in with each other in June. I found out mid September that I was pregnant and honestly I felt this surge of happiness when I found out. I have always been the person who never really wanted kids. I liked them, but I liked to send them home at the end of the day.
Seeing that one test made my mind flip a 180 in seconds. My boyfriend always wanted kids and had this whole life plan.
When we saw that the first thing out of his mouth was "well we know what we need to do" and walked straight to his computer to start researching abortions. I know that we had had this discussion before and chose this as the right path. My head said yes, you need to do this and my heart was screaming no. We went back and forth for about 2 weeks.

He has a close relationship with his mom and I reluctantly told him that he could talk with her about this. We looked into everything to be able to afford to keep it and figured we could, but by then there had been so much negativity and pushing toward it, plus the morning sickness, which was all day, was setting in. He then wanted to keep it but I had already shut my heart to the idea and made the appt. He was supportive of the choice but I know he was disappointed.
I opted for surgical with mild sedation and local anaesthetic. I found out with the ultrasound that I was 7 weeks 4 days pregnant. He opted to go in the room and see it with me. I was so cool and distant while I was there. When they finally took me back they had me change and lay on the the table with my legs up.
The doctor was awesome and supportive and really good at talking me through.

It was the most Excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life. My stomach went into these rolling cramps and I could feel where the vacuum was in my body. I felt so invaded and violated after ward. All the stuff they had me take did absolutely nothing to numb it. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but that was just horrible.
They put me in the recovery room and I was sore yes, but I was barely bleeding and they sent me on my way. I was trying to smile for their sake but was numb at what I had just done.
I went to work the next day and was more sore then i had been the day before but made it through. I still am in disbelief as to what I did and my body is too. It now craves pregnancy enough to drown out my head sometimes which tries to be sensible. I literally feel like I am going insane trying to fight it. I am afraid to tell my boyfriend this because he would probably freak out. I am still torn over what I have done. I know that I did what I did so we could hopefully be in a more stable environment such as financially and marriage and such. I also feel extremely lost and have to struggle to get out of bed and go to work. I just hope I am strong enough to fight my hormones so my decision and the baby I gave up didn't leave this world for nothing.

Editor's Comment

It seems that your heart was crushed by your boyfriend's response to the pregnancy, and even when he changed his mind, you could not overcome the hurt and upset after your initial excitement. I wonder if you are feeling depressed if you struggle to get out of bed and go to work. Talking to a doctor may help to work out whether your reaction to the abortion needs some medical intervention.Follow the link for post abortion support. or call the helpline 0300 4000 999 to speak to someone.
This story was sent in on 31/01/2015 and it's been viewed 51 times.

Other similar/related stories…

I never want to go through another abortion again.

Previous

Part of me wants to keep the baby.

Next

Help & support is available

If you're struggling through a situation like that described above, or are being affected by similar issues from your past, no matter how long ago, help is available.

You can get free, sensitive & confidential help at a centre near you. Use these links for:

Got a story to tell?

Relating your story to other people can be very difficult but rewarding.

If you'd like to tell other readers, possibly facing the same problems you did, about your experiences please click the button to:

Tell your story →