A medical abortion that will scar me for life.

I already had two children from a past relationship, so the decision for to have an abortion was possibly one of the hardest situations I've ever been faced with.
I was seeing an American guy who was visiting family here in the UK, we have slept together twice, even used protection. He was due to go travelling the following month so I knew that we would not last. Unfortunately just after he departed, I missed my period, so I obviously did a pregnancy test which was positive. From the moment I saw the positive result I felt straight away that I couldn't have another child, especially being a single parent of two already.

As the weeks went on I found myself battling with my emotions; whether I should keep the baby or not, if I could go through with an abortion. I liked the idea of having another baby but the reality of it would be completely different to the way I was feeling and I knew it at the time.
I went to my GP on the decision to have an abortion and was referred to bpas for a consultation the following week. At the consultation I was given an ultrasound scan which dated my pregnancy to be seven weeks and four days, I even saw the baby and it's heart beating away which instantly put doubts into my mind about the abortion. Still I tried to stick to my decision and was then booked in the following week for a medical abortion which involved taking one pill, then returning the following day for four tablet inserted into the vagina.
The week before my abortion I couldn't stop thinking about my baby and my emotions were up and down and at one point I nearly cancelled the appointment, but I felt that I just couldn't have another baby.

I didn't want the day to come but unfortunately it did and the first tablet was taken orally to stop hormones getting through to the baby. I felt fine after this but what was to come the following day has and will scar me for life. I cried as the four tablets were placed inside me. Around four hours later the cramping started which was horrific and felt like I was in labour, this lasted for around an hour and then it suddenly stopped, at this point I felt the need to go to the toilet. As I sat on the toilet I felt everything come out, there was so much that came out it was horrendous. As I stood up I saw the foetus laying there in the toilet with hands, fingers, eyes, toes, everything perfect . It was perfect.
A sudden wave of despair and guilt fell over me and I didn't know what to do with myself. I was hysterical. The bleeding lessened but the sadness and and feelings of regret got stronger and stronger and I wanted that baby back in me, I wished I could turn back time.
It's been a few days since and I feel like every day the longing for my child is getting stronger. The feelings I feel are by far the worst in the world and I regret it more than anything. I feel like an awful person even though I felt I'd made the right decision it doesn't matter any more because that was my child and I should have done anything to protect it but I didn't so I'm now having to deal with the guilt and anger. I guess I would say to anyone if there is any doubt what so ever don't do it because you'll live to regret it. Unless of course you're 100% sure you want an abortion then please don't.

Editor's Comment

I think that the seeds of your guilt and regret were already there during the decision making process. When you write that you were battling with your emotions, and that you had doubts in your mind after the scan, it sounds as though your heart was struggling with the decision, while your head was trying to remain focused. It is usually a much harder option when you have already had a child, and the reality of what you had chosen faced you very graphically when you saw the foetus. I think that some post abortion counselling and support would help you to try and process what you have been through. I do believe there is a way to come through this, although it is clearly very raw at the moment, for post abortion support. or call the helpline 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 20/02/2015 and it's been viewed 106 times.

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