I knew it wasn't the time for me to have a child.

Finding out I was pregnant when I wasn't even 15 was massive shock to me and seeing as I was no longer with my partner, I knew it wasn't the time for me to have a child. I took a test at the doctors and it was quite obviously positive. Being so young, I panicked and I wanted to go through this telling nobody but a friend. It is in fact possible to go through the procedure alone, however I eventually told my mother and I couldn't have done it without her. The first stage was a chat at the hospital. I had a scan taken and it showed I was about 7 weeks pregnant. At this point my friend and I were the only people who knew about my situation. That night I went home and explained the situation and to my surprise, she supported me and understood, the same with my brother. The ladies on the ward were lovely and were willing to do anything to help. I had my blood taken and I was given an oral pill after filling in paper work and answering questions. I then was taken off to give a urine sample and swabs of my nose and groin. They sent me to another hospital with a special area for terminations two days later. When i arrived at that hospital two days later, I was given my own room and it was cosy and very secure. The staff again here were lovey and only wanted the very best for me. My mother was asked to go into the waiting rooms whilst the nurse sorted me out. She firstly have me ibuprofen and paracetamol. She then asked me if I was okay with her inserting the tablets into my vagina and I said I was fine with that. She I sorted four in total, two tablets on one finger, two times quickly but gently. She then asked to turn on my side whilst she sorted the optional anti-infection pill and put it up my bum. This whole procedure was not as embarrassing as it may seem. My mother was told she could come back in my room and so she did. I was told to stay lay on the bed for exactly an hour to give the tablets time to work. The hour went by quickly and the staff checked up one every so often and when that hour was up, I was told moving was know to speed the process up in some cases so I stayed on my feet and went on walks around the building and I was allowed outside too, I just had to give notice when I left and when I returned and I was told not to use any other toilets apart from the one in my room as it had a bedpan in and they needed to check everything I passed to be sure everything was coming along alright. I was asked to go for a wee as often as I felt I needed to and to don't the buzzer every time. The nurse would then discard the bedpan away from us. Hours passed and I regularly asked to be topped up on painkillers before pain got extreme. I was given small doses of morphine occasionally. I honestly did not feel much pain, just mild cramping. They sent me home after heavy bleeding with no sign of whatever they were looking for and before I left I was given two of the tablets they inserted into my vagina to take orally and some more painkillers on request. Once I was home, I continued my day as normal. I popped along the street to see a friend who knew I had been going through with a termination and I stood on my tiptoes to give her a hug (she's much taller than me). As I came back to the ground, I felt myself pass what seemed to be just a large clot like before , but I didn't take much notice until I went home 20 mins later and went to change my pad. I was horrified when I saw a sac there. I rang the same friend and panicked asking her what I was supposed to do. It was about the size of a golf ball. I tilted the pad up and rolled it on some tissue. I wrapped it up in the tissue wondering what the hell to do with it. The nurse at the hospital said we should just flush it if passed at home. We felt that would be cruel and that burying it may be a nicer way to dispose the life I created but the thought of this clotted sac breaking and hurting the baby inside was too much to bear. So I said goodbye and I eventually did flush it.
This all happened this morning and it is now very late. The fact I discarded a life is really getting to me now and I've cried for hours. I apologised repeatedly to my baby and I explained that I couldn't give them the life they deserved. I told them that nobody I knew was up there in heaven with them, but my friend had asked her nanny to look after them. I told my baby in the skies to look for her because she was a lovely woman and she would look after them until I came to be there. The procedure was not bad at all, the psychological side of things is the worst.

Editor's Comment

When you see what you pass it makes the abortion very real, and you have to face the reality of your decision. At 15 this was a difficult experience to go through, and very hard to prepare yourself psychologically. If you would like post abortion support it is available, and sometimes talking through your experience and having counselling can help, for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 20/02/2015 and it's been viewed 51 times.

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