I was unstable and my emotions were crazy, I didn't want to accept I was having an abortion

Hi all. 10 months ago I came to the realization that I had been having pregnancy symptoms. I was living with a friend that was pregnant, so I think I was kind of in denial of the symptoms.

My boyfriend and I had been broken up for a couple of weeks and I thought my disinterest in going out, over eating, and fatigue was just getting over the relationship, not to mention I had numerous pregnancy scares before. I had stopped taking my birth control because the side affects of the pill I was on were awful, in turn I must of gotten pregnant immediately after that.

Anyways, when the test first came up as positive I felt my world turn upside down, fear, excitement, unsure of what to do. My friend being pregnant encouraged me to keep my baby, and I started to imagine my future as a mother.

That night I tried to call my boyfriend (x at the time) and tell him. He was at a concert with friends and ignored me all night.

The next day he called and was kind of cold but told me he'd come see me that night. When he did come over we didn't discuss what we were going to do, but we both knew that we wanted to be back together.

Over the next week he really weighed in on the reality of our situation. Him being half way through college with a low paying job at Sams Club. Me being unemployed, no car, no education, no place to really live. He made me believe I couldn't do it.

I made the abortion appointment and my family supported whatever I chose to do.

I shut down the week leading up to my abortion. I was 11 weeks along. I think back about how unstable I acted and how crazy my emotions were. Often I would talk as if I were keeping my baby, talking about names and such. I didn't want to accept that I was going to go through with it.

The morning of my abortion my mom texted me and begged me not to do it because she just found out she was pregnant. She's 44, I'm 22. Again, world turned upside down.

I went through with it (abortion pill) and same day saw a physiatrist. I was prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication.

After 2 weeks of awful cramping, lying in bed in a ball crying in pain and emotion I finally felt well enough to get out again. At this point I had moved back to my mothers house.

For a month after that I couldn't cope with my decision and lashed out on my boyfriend. I was physically abusive. I was always on the verge of breaking down.

Now I still often times feel very regretful, but I now know that I wouldn't of been able to give my baby the life she/he deserved. 10 months later I finally have had a stable well paying job for the past 3 months and will be buying a car within the next month. I still deal with bad anxiety and have recently had a lot of post-traumatic symptoms triggered by the birth of my sister and my pregnant friend that I was living with having her baby boy, who passed away 6 weeks after birth. It has all taken a real toll on me.

This story was sent in on 01/04/2015 and it's been viewed 62 times.

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