I will never forget what I did

I am 24 years old , and I already have two children ages 1 and 4 months. I decided abortion would be right for me not only financially , but physically.

I had my first child at 25 weeks 6 days due to a bulging water bag. After my son was born I was ruled high risk. Before my son came home after spending 98 days in the icu I was already pregnant. My children's father and my fiance panicked and thought abortion was an option for baby #2. I couldn't bring myself to do it, and with my mother's and family support I knew I would go further in this pregnancy. It was a long and hard process to keep baby number 2 full term. I was limited to a lot of things and took mckenna (progesterone) shots my entire pregnancy. The pain and the soreness from those shots were worth it. I finally delievered at 38 weeks 6 days by c section.

My doctors warned me of the risk in having another child anytime in the next 5 years because I would have to get another c section. That was November and by February I discovered I was pregnant #3. I was so in a shock but kind of figured. My fiance is about to start his career truck driving and I am about to start school and work plus care for my children.  In my mind I couldn't put myself  through it again, the load was too heavy for me. I decided it would be best to get an abortion, and he supported me.

I went to planned parenthood and the first visit I was 6 weeks 3 days. I schedule my part 2 to my visit for the next day, but due to how long the process took and trying to do it without family knowing I had to reschedule. Finally today April 8th and 10 weeks I finally did it. I decided to do it without iv seduction because I didn't have a driver and drove myself.

That morning I looked up people stories who had it done.  Believe me you can't listen to everything because we all take pain differently. I was only given 800mg Iburopen, which I take most of the time for a headache, and an antibiotic pill. Shortly after I was called in the room and that's when the tears began to flow uncontrollably. They start it off like a normal pap smear which isn't bad, but the 3 shots you get in your cervix and the rest of the procedure was torture. It felt like someone was pulling my insides out and the suction tool they use didn't help. I was in so much pain I was trying to breath and tuning the pain out was a struggle. The nurse tried to calm me down and told me I was doing good, but the doctor couldn't tell I was breathing and yelled at me to breathe.

I cried as I was already upset at the decision I made but he just made matters worst. After it was finally done he examined the tissue and put my iud birth control in, and he apologized for yelling. I was so disappointed in myself and cried in recovery for what I did. I am very religious and was raised in church and I question if my god would ever forgive me? who am I to say who can live and who can't? I questioned if I was selfish for the decision I made. I feel as if I could've done it and at the end of the day that's what happens when you are not responsible. I promised myself I would NEVER do that again. My fiance cried and we promised each other we wouldl never do that again.

I came home to my children and I couldn't imagine my life without them, and I will never forget what I did. I hope one day I can forgive myself because the decision I made for myself I will have to live with forever. My advice to someone who is thinking about abortion you should never be forced to do it. Forget that person who says he will leave, forget what friends have to say, do it because you feel it's right not someone else opinions. At the end of the day it's you who has to face it alone, and live with that choice.

Editor's Comment

This was obviously a very painful experience for you not only physically but emotionally. From what you say about your religious beliefs, I think abortion was outside your values and beliefs and that is hard when you cross a personal boundary like this. I think it would help to talk this through with someone independent so that you can come to terms with what has happened to you. Help is available for post abortion support.