I think about it every week... I wasn't emotionally ready to give him up

I have had two abortions. The first one was very easy to get over (or as easy as having an abortion can be). I remember telling my boyfriend (now ex) I was pregnant. It was my decision whatever I wanted to do... I almost felt mad at him, NO give me your opinion, we both know you don't want this baby but just admit it to me.

So I decided to have an abortion, I went to a clinic to find out I was barely five weeks along and I was already having a miscarriage. The doctor told me I could have the abortion, or proceed to have the miscarriage naturally. After doing the research I found out the abortion would be medically more comfortable. So I had the abortion. I was devastated but because it was out of my control the decision to have this baby wasn't mine anymore.

Fast forward a couple of years. I am with my new boyfriend. We have only been dating for about eight months. I found out I was pregnant. Again I was told it was my decision which again made me mad.

We had not been dating long, and I did not want to make a commitment to a man such as to have a baby together when we have not even been together a year.

So we decided to have an abortion...
Again...

He knew it was my second abortion and why I was so emotional and mad at myself for being so dumb again...

Well, we had some hard financial times, so it took us a while to be able to afford the abortion since we made "too much" for financial help, but we also didn't have an extra $700 laying around for an abortion. I also didn't know I was pregnant till much further along this time.

So we saved but while we saved to have the abortion I experienced many more symptoms of being pregnant... I had horrible morning sickness... I even started to show. I was about 15 weeks along when I finally had the abortion.

The first abortion- I was given medicine do not even remember going into the back room.
Second abortion- I was so far along I was given medicine to induce contractions.

I sat in a waiting room where the doctor did all the abortions in one day. No one seemed to be in as much pain as I was in so I went to the desk to ask to ask a receptionist if I should be in this much pain.

She looked at my file and said yes, you are experiencing contractions and maybe one or two other girls are. I asked if they could find me a more comfortable place in the back, they did.

While waiting in the back, another young girl came and sat next to me and said: "I saw you were in so much pain and I felt better because I wasn't the only one". We lay and laughed and cried together.

She told me to be happy your boyfriend is here with you, I'm with my mom because my boyfriend kept trying to deny it's his when he is the only man I've ever been with. I do not know this girls name and I would not recognize her if we passed in the street. But I will never forget her. Sorry I know I am rambling.

But back to my point, this abortion, I remember it all. I remember being brought to the room, talking to a nurse, undressing, laying on the table, the horrible noises it made. It hurt. It only took a couple minutes. The doctor and nurse then left. I got dressed and cried my eyes out.

I went to the "recovery" area and did not shed a tear in this room trying to be strong for my younger new friend. But did not see her.

I came back to the waiting room to see my boyfriend. He took my hand and walked me to the car. The second we got out of the building I started balling again and he hugged me, saying he loved me and how he does hurt because it was half of him but he will never understand everything I did.

I bled for 8 weeks and it was horrible. I have had dreams about this baby numerous times. I have seen this on countless occasions. I just want it to stop.

I still think about this decision at least once a week... I know I wasn't financially ready to have a baby. But I wasn't emotionally ready to truly give him up.

I know this doesn't really make sense but it was nice to type it out. I also typed it on my phone and haven't read back over any of it. Maybe when I am truly ready to tell this story I will tell it right.