I'm a happily married Mum of two.
By anonymous on 21/03/2009
I'm a happily married Mum of two. My pregnancy came as a total bolt from the blue (I am on the pill) and although I have always been 100% AGAINST abortion, I just wasn't ready for another baby. I kept the whole thing to myself. I never told my Husband because he would want me to keep it and so I went to my GP who arranged for me to have a medical abortion. I went to the clinic last Friday and they did a scan which showed I was 8 weeks pregnant. I've heard so many horror stories of women who've chose the medical abortion option but I can honestly say for me physically it’s been fine. Psychologically however, I am in bits. I took the first pill and had no pain, dizziness, nausea, nothing. I didn't think it was going to work. I then went back on Monday to have the second lot inserted vaginally and was told it would start to work as soon as 20 minutes and I'd have a lot of pain and bleeding in the next 4-6 hours. I feared the worst, went home as quickly as possible and waited. Nothing happened until 6 hours later; I had a small bleed then that was it. No pain. Nothing. Then I really thought it had failed, but another hour later, I bled so heavily, it was like I was weeing myself, I had slight cramps but that was it. The worst part was the bleeding - I had to change my pad three times in two hours. Then I felt something 'drop' out. I went to the toilet to check my pad and there it was - my baby.
It was smaller than a jelly baby but it had a distinguishable head, body, arms and legs - even tiny fingers. I could see two black 'bead like' eyes. Then I broke down. I couldn't believe my Husband and children were downstairs and here I was staring at a possible baby brother or sister, and daughter or son that I had just killed. My bleeding continued and yesterday I lost a huge clot which I assume was the pregnancy sac.
I've had less pain than I would have had on my period but emotionally the pain is indescribable. I feel evil, deceptive and cruel. I have eliminated this poor child from our family and I can NEVER forgive myself. I can't bear to flush the baby away so have kept it in a specimen pot and now I don't know what to do with it. I've kept it hidden in my bedroom drawer and all I've done since Monday is sit and stare at it, crying every opportunity I get. I still don't know what to do.
The only person who knows is my GP and he isn't very understanding as he doesn't agree with abortion - and I don't blame him. I feel so alone. I just hope my baby can forgive me. I'm still against abortion but I believe it’s up to the individual what they choose. All I can say is I would urge any woman thinking of having a medical abortion - DON'T! Have the surgical option where you won't see any of it. I knew having an abortion would be hard emotionally but nothing had prepared me for what I've seen and I've got to live with this for the rest of my life.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us...It’s no surprise at all that you are ‘psychologically in bits’. Firstly, you have crossed the line of one of your most cherished principles and deceived yourself that it was alright to do it; secondly, you have deceived your husband and now have an enormous secret that is a barrier between you which may even jeopardise your marriage; and thirdly, you have been confronted with the reality of an abortion and no surgical abortion would ever have lessened that truth. You are obviously feeling the shock of the reality as well as the burden of guilt, shame, loss, regret, and grief.
There is now a difficult journey ahead of you, where you have to make choices about what to do with your secret, and how to relate to this profound event in your life. Get in touch with a centre as soon as possible. The only way forward now is to be honest with yourself and begin your journey of recovery. We’ll be thinking of you.
