I had a medical abortion three weeks ago. Sadly I regret every minute of it.

I had a medical abortion three weeks ago. Sadly I regret every minute of it. I knew I was pregnant days before I bought the test. I felt different. The crunch came when I did a 10k fun run at work and felt like was carrying a small fish bowl inside of me all the way round the course! The next morning I did the test and my fears were confirmed. I had been seeing my new partner for just three months - how on earth could I tell him what had happened?! We had just been on our first holiday driving round the south of France. We had a wonderful time getting to know each other better and I had no idea at that point I was already pregnant. My reasoning for the abortion was mixed. When I told my partner he was initially shocked but seemed keen to keep the baby. I was scared, at 37 with no children and a new partner, I was feeling confused. One close friend kept saying it was meant to be, another saying it was too soon. I had a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that the relationship would fall apart under the strain of such a big commitment so finally I made an appointment to see the doctor. By now I was feeling sick all day everyday. It was hot late July and all I could think of was sleep! The doctor’s reaction was a little scary. She said that at 37 with no children this was a big decision and what if, when I did want children, it didn't happen? Not the best response but an honest one! The doctor referred me to the clinic and got me an appointment for the very next day. I think I went on auto pilot at this point. I decided to go alone, in silence, and just take whatever was thrown at me. I felt awful sitting in that waiting room. The scan which they showed me confirmed I was six and half weeks pregnant. I didn't expect to see the scan picture and almost felt it was done as a way of making it all real. The medical abortion procedure was explained to me but not in any real detail. I was told I would feel quite bad period pains and that clots would be passed. I went home having arranged my next appointment the following week. My head was a mess and coupled with the fact I felt so sick, work was a real drain and I'm not even sure how I continued to pretend all was ok. My partner was supportive of my decision. However, working abroad four days out of seven, he was not really there to hold my hand. Hence the reason I did this all on auto pilot. I went back the next Wednesday for my first tablet, felt fine apart from the continued sickness and went home to bed. The following morning I returned and took the four tablets to the toilet and inserted them as instructed. I felt numb at this point and just caught the train home as quickly as possible, knowing I was on a time scale. What happened next will stay with me forever. I felt cramping on the train and was anxious to get home. I was given tablets for pain and took one the minute I got in the door. The period-like pains I was told about were more severe than I had certainly expected and I found myself pacing up and down to take my mind off it. About two hours in, I had a sudden urge to go to the toilet. By now I was bleeding quite heavily and decided to stay seated on the pan. A large clot passed and, although uncomfortable, I thought that was it. I sat back on the sofa but continued to be in quite severe pain. A little while later, I was back up pacing the floor again as I felt so uncomfortable, another rush to toilet and this time a much bigger clot passed. I felt numb. This was the foetus from my tummy sitting in the toilet pan! I felt compelled to look and wasn't prepared for what I saw. No good would come of me explaining in detail for anyone reading this as it's dead and gone. All I will say is don't look unless you want a clear reminder of your abortion in your head. Three weeks on I'm still spotting, a constant reminder of that day. I'm still with my partner and we are trying to look forward, not back. We did initially talk about that day but I think he finds it as hard as me to discuss. Maybe in time this will get better, I do hope so. To top it all I have just found out a friend of mine in the office is expecting her first child, she's 10 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her and wish her well. However, I can't help feeling that could also be me. I can't change the past but feel awful knowing this bump she has will be yet another reminder of what I have done. Everyone’s situation is different, I accept that. I just wish I had given myself a little more time to think. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…It sounds as if you put on a very brave face and hoped it was the right decision in your circumstances, whilst feeling confusion and doubt about whether it was. There seems to be a lot in your head – your rational mind – that says it was the best thing to do under the circumstances, but your heart – the place where your deeper feelings reside – may be disturbing you to some extent. I suspect that some of your ‘I’ll go it alone’ feeling was a way of saying, ‘I’ll endure the pain – I’ll take the punishment for what I’m about to do’. If that is the case, then that may signify feelings of guilt and a deep sense that you have done something that’s crossed your own boundaries. It’s also a big event in your relationship that is still relatively new, and neither of you really know how to relate to each other over it. It may help you both to visit your nearest centre to see how well you are responding to this experience and to have the opportunity to talk about the meaning it has for each of you.
This story was sent in on 25/08/2009 and it's been viewed 2,521 times.

Other similar/related stories…

Straight after the abortion I regretted it. I realised I wanted it before the procedure but I didn't know if my boyfriend felt the same.

Previous

I wish I had found this site before I did what I did. Even now, I can't say or write the word without cringing.

Next

Help & support is available

If you're struggling through a situation like that described above, or are being affected by similar issues from your past, no matter how long ago, help is available.

You can get free, sensitive & confidential help at a centre near you. Use these links for:

Got a story to tell?

Relating your story to other people can be very difficult but rewarding.

If you'd like to tell other readers, possibly facing the same problems you did, about your experiences please click the button to:

Tell your story →