I was 17 when I got pregnant. It's been a year and I still cry myself to sleep most nights. Luckily, the guy was my boyfriend and someone I trusted and loved, and who had good intentions. I knew from the start, really from when I just generally didn't feel quite right, that I could be pregnant but kept myself in denial for weeks. Eventually I did the test and felt numb. I didn't know what to think or say or feel. I told my boyfriend and he asked me what I wanted to do. I had no idea. He told me that we had our whole lives ahead of us. 'This could all be over in a few weeks.' The usual lines. But the biggest thing that made me panic was that I hadnt told my Mum. I was terrified of how she would react. Eventually I did and she told me she had been waiting for me to tell her. She'd already guessed. And she was amazing. I had never expected her to be so calm, supportive, understanding. I hope other girls going through this can have a little faith in their parents like I did. She was my rock. We went to a nurse. And I explained that I didn't want this baby but couldn't really give a reason. I should have known then. But either way I took my hesitation as a sign I was not ready for a baby. Then I had an appointment at the hospital. I had never set foot in a hospital in my life, so was terrified. I wanted the medical because I had never had an operation. The worst part was the scan. I wanted SOOO badly to see it. But I was never asked. Maybe I would have seen how insignificant it was and then been able to stop imagining a real baby inside me. They told me I was 8 weeks and needed a surgical abortion. Meanwhile I found myself secretly enjoying being pregnant in this weird way. And I told no one. And I never realised. And 2 weeks later I was back in hospital. By this point my boyfriend had freaked out and was in way over his head. If it wasnt for my Mum I would have been all alone. I remember only one moment where I properly hit rock bottom. My stomach was in agony, literally I felt as though I was being torn inside. And I was in a room waiting to be taken for surgery. I was sweating, shaky, about to faint since I hadnt eaten, wretching over the toilet with nothing coming up. I had a total panic attack over what I was doing. But before I could sort my head a nurse came in, looked at me and told me that she wanted to take me now because I looked awful and she thought it would be better to get it over and done with. So I went. And as they put the anaesthetic into me I felt two things: I felt total panic and that I wanted to scream 'no' and run out the room and keep the baby and deal with my own mistake, but I also felt relief. That it would all be over soon. I woke surrounded by crying women in a ward. All who had just been through the same as me. I lay for ages staring at the ceiling trying to decide how i felt. Then before I knew it I was home. It has been a year. I still cry every night. I think about that baby all the time. I regret what I did because I no longer feel I know who I am anymore and I know it will be with me forever. I am, however, now at university doing law and realising that when you hit rock bottom things can only get better. I want someday to help girls who were like me to get the counselling afterwards that I never had. I dont know if I want children in the future anymore. But this website has helped me to see I am not a monster and I am not alone. Editor's comment: Thank you for sharing your story with us.. It must be so difficult for you living with such painful feelings of regret and sadness, wishing that you had made a different decision. Your decision has affected you hugely, and I can see that the pain is still so fresh for you. Although painful, your tears are a way to release these emotions - the alternative would be to push the pain away and not allow yourself to express your feelings. I would really encourage you to get in touch with your local centre or call the national helpline on 0300 4000 999, and speak to one of our advisors. Often we look back and see things very differently, and wish we had made a different decision. You appear to be still grieving, and it may be too painful for you to start our post-abortion recovery programme - The Journey - but I would really encourage you to talk to one of our trained advisors about how you are coping at the moment. Some women describe the way they feel following an abortion as like a cloud covering life, and have felt unable to enjoy life like they used to, or see life in colour in the same way. Although you cannot turn the clock back, the post-abortion programme, when you are ready is a positive way forward, and will help take you to a place of deep healing and peace.
This story was sent in on 19/11/2009 and it's been viewed 921 times.

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