I really couldn't tell you why, but I just couldn't do that again.

I found out I was pregnant using a HPT on a Monday, but even before that I knew. I was soooo tired all the time, and was napping constantly. When I took the test the second line showed up within seconds, and I wasn't surprised. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I spent the whole week crying and going back and forth over my two options, but I ended up choosing to have a medical abortion at 4.5 weeks. I live with my partner of many years, the man I want to have children with one day. But we're both still in school, and only he has a job (a low paying one at that). My extremely religious parents might very well disown me if they found out... on top of this I don't feel ready nor do I really want to have children now. Being pregnant was already hindering my performance at school, and I could only envision it getting harder as time wore on. I'd worked so hard to be accepted into grad school, and I wanted to succeed. My boyfriend was okay with either decision, to continue with the pregnancy or terminate. So even though he was supportive, I felt like the decision was all up to me, making it even harder and making me feel all the more selfish for choosing what would ultimately be easiest for me. I don't think I could have gone through with a surgical abortion, or one at all if I'd been farther along. But being so early I didn't feel as bad, especially after I saw just a tiny black speck on the ultrasound. I scheduled my appointment for that Friday, when I was given the first pill. It didn't phase me much at all and I only had the same mild cramps I'd been having throughout the pregnancy anyway. Saturday morning, in preparation of the second pills, I took a painkiller and my antibiotic 30 minutes before I let the 4 tablets dissolve in my cheeks. It took about two hours for them to kick in. All of a sudden I started having severe cramps and began to feel nauseated, I ran to the bathroom. I started to have terrible liquid diarrhea and light bleeding. I then started to vomit, and had to use a bucket to throw up in because I couldn't leave the toilet. I temporarily felt a little better and dizzily stumbled back to my bed. I collapsed for a short time until I realized I needed the bathroom again. I pulled myself up, I was shaking, had chills, a cold sweat, and was so dizzy I could barely see. I weakly called to my boyfriend and he carried me to the restroom. It felt like forever that I was throwing up, cramping, and having diarrhea. Eventually I felt well enough to slide off the toilet and lie on the ground. My boyfriend brought me some pillows, a blanket, and a heating pad, and I curled up there on the bathroom floor in a daze, unable to respond when he came in to check on me. Eventually my mind came back and I felt well enough to move to my bed with a heating pad. At this point 6 hours had passed and I was able to take another pain killer. The cramps were only mild then and came in waves. However, the bleeding increased. I then found myself running to the bathroom to pass large clots and expel large amount of blood. I felt weak and overall unwell for awhile and I'm still bleeding. However, I still found this preferable to the surgical abortion. Surprisingly, I did not feel strong regret or guilt as I feared I would. I felt okay with my choice, not great, but okay. I was so wrapped up in the pain that I think I dissociated it from what it really was, an abortion, and just felt like I was sick or something. However, if I were to have an unplanned pregnancy again I don't think I would be able to do this again, and not just because the pain was miserable. I really couldn't tell you why, but I just couldn't do that again. My feelings toward this whole thing are so confusing, but I do think I made the right choice for now. Editor's Comment:- This was a difficult decision for you and you worked out the rational reasons why an abortion was the best decision for you. It sounds as though your instincts were struggling with the decision with lots of tears, going back and forth over the options, and feeling that you could never do this again. Thoughts and instincts are often very polarized, and I think we sometimes suppress our instincts or feelings to do what seems logically to be the best option. Perhaps your feelings are surfacing a bit more and making you feel uncomfortable with the thought of abortion. You certainly went through quite an intense time of pain and sickness, which must have been frightening at times. I hope you will call the national helpline if you feel you need to speak to someone about how you are feeling.
This story was sent in on 21/11/2009 and it's been viewed 1,070 times.

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