I had my termination in July 2007 after my husband walked out on me when I told him I was pregnant.

I left my story here last year. I had my termination in July 2007 at 8 weeks in Germany after my husband walked out on me when I told him I was pregnant. I got through my due date and although sad, I didn't find it too overwhelming. However, the 1st year anniversary and what should have been the child's 1st christmas this year has hurt me like I could never have imagined. Two weeks following the termination my husband came begging for me to take him back, and I stupidly did for a short time. I requested that the army move us back to the UK from Germany, which they did. However, I couldn't and don't feel I can ever forgive my 'soon to be' ex husband for letting and making me feel that I had no other choice but to go ahead with letting our child go. Shortly after our return to the UK I split from my husband, and have since found out he lied and cheated on me more than once during our marriage. After 6 months of separation we tried to reconcile things yet again, for a short time, until I found out that he'd also been seeing someone I knew and she is pregnant by him. Yet again I feel that he completely betrayed me, our son and the baby I gave up so I am now divorcing him. As much as I love him I can never trust him or forgive him for what he has done. The problem I now have is how do I move on with my life and let it all go?? I contacted a local centre and completed the Journey programme with their help and support, but somehow feel that although I have recognised factors etc I still don't feel that I can let the guilt go and move on from the loss of my child. I get flashbacks on a regular basis, and when I do get these I completely breakdown for days. I really don't know what else I can do to help myself get over the loss. I accept what happened and know that I can't go back and undo it all. I just wish I had the courage to have not gone through with it in the 1st place, as I knew it wasn't what my heart was telling me. Anyone reading this who is in that horrible position of making that decision, please think so so carefully about it, take your time and be completely at peace with the answer. You have to live with it forever, and if you have any doubt whatsoever don't go ahead with a termination. Think very carefully about afterwards, I didn't. Yes the circumstances were extremely complex, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't right for me and I so regret what I did and wish someone could tell me the answer for how to stop me feeling like this. Editor's Comment:- You have been through a very distressing time feeling betrayed by your husband, and the way he has treated you. I can understand that you feel you could never trust him again. I think that the big hurdle you have to face is forgiving yourself for making that decision, that you now recognise went again your core beliefs and values. You may be subconsciously punishing yourself, and you have to come to a place where you choose to release yourself from this guilt. Your abortion was very wrapped up in your marriage failure, and your feelings towards your husband may also be linked with your inability to move on. If you are still in touch with the centre you went to, perhaps it would help to go back and spend some more time working through this. Some people find joining a post abortion group helpful, as they can speak to others who have been through a similar experience.
This story was sent in on 07/01/2010 and it's been viewed 882 times.

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