A surgical abortion at 19

I am 19 and had an abortion on the 1st Feb this year. I am still finding it very hard but want to share my story so far as I am hoping that it will help others to not feel alone and that I still haven't given up on being happy again one day. Also to think long and hard before you have an abortion!!
I remember feeling very weird and it is such a weird feeling I'd heard people say you just know when your pregnant and I knew but thought I was just being weird so took a test and it came up positive. I went straight to the doctors in a shaking crying mess to ask them to confirm it or tell me it was wrong and I'd somehow done the test wrong but I was definitely pregnant! the doctor told me to go away and have a think but not to take too long with my decision and to return in about a week.

I'd only slept with him twice

The father of the child I hadn't been seeing very long at all, it had started just after Christmas that we got to know one another. I'd only slept with him twice and to make matters worse he was currently away in France skiing with friends. All I was currently worrying about was the father, how I'd tell him and about how it would ruin his life.
The few friends that I'd told kept telling me to worry about me and what I wanted, but I couldn't I just thought about the guy and how he'd feel once I told him. I spoke to him on the phone a few times trying to act normal but then I just couldn't keep it from him anymore and had to tell him.

He'd be back in 2 days and we would go get rid of it

He was surprisingly calm about it all and made it all seem so simple. He'd be back in 2 days and we'd go get rid of it as in the long term it would much better,and it would only be hard for a little bit and in time we'd look back and laugh.
I booked the abortion but for the whole week before I kept going over and over it, and the more I thought about the more I didn't want to go through with it. I spoke to my friends about it and even decided to tell my mum who was very supportive and told me to do what I thought was right as I'd be the one who had to live with it, but she would be there for me.

I didn't have enough reasons to have an abortion

I decided that I was sure I'd keep it as knew I didn't have enough reasons to have an abortion and I had been against them all my life, but then when I saw the father again he managed to persuade me otherwise. The day of the abortion arrived and I was going to stay at the father's for a few days after to recover as I was having a surgical abortion. My mother knew but we had chosen best not to tell my father. The night before I hardly slept and tried to think how I could tell the father I didn't want to get rid of my baby, but I couldn't seem to get the words to come out.
2 hours before we had to leave burst into tear and told him I couldn't do it and I wanted to keep my baby. He freaked out and started crying, left the room for a few minutes and came back in saying he was being selfish and it was up to me, but he needed to go out and left me some money for a taxi to get home. I lay on his bed crying not knowing what to do.
I felt I was now being selfish. Ruin his life so I'm happy or do I ruin my life so he can be happy..? he was not answering his phone so I text him asking him to please come back. He said sorry to me, and then replied saying he'd now crashed his car.
I felt so awful that I'd caused all this so told him we would go to the clinic. He was fine but the bumper had come off the car and it looked a bit of a mess. he returned though and we went for a drive. He said he was going for a little walk and I had to have decided what I wanted to do by the time he got back. He returned, I sat in silence and then grit my teeth and said take me to the clinic.

A surgical abortion

I sat in the car looking out the window praying that he knew that wasn't what I wanted and would take me home but he didn't. I looked over at him and didn't like him looking sad, so put on pretend smile and pretended to be fine and chatted about random stuff trying to make us both happier, but inside I was hurting so much.
I can't bear to think about the clinic so can't talk about that.
After went back to his and persuaded myself all would be ok. The next day I felt really sad and needed to get away and be on my own, so went and sat in a field for hours listening to music and crying. I hoped it would last a few days then I'd be ok.
The next day I returned to work wanting to forget it had all happened and go back to my old life. That evening I went to the father's like we'd planned but he wasn't there, he called saying sorry he was busy and out with his friends. The days passed and I heard little from him.

I got taken back to hospital with an infection

Over a week had passed now and I was still bleeding lots and had been getting pains in my stomach which were getting worse. I got taken into hospital on the 8th Feb and was there for a week having tests done as at first they were worried I may have had twins and one was still in me. Part of me prayed there was and that I could keep that one but knew if there was it would be ectopic so would not lose one but 2 children.
Luckily it wasn't that and they did more tests and found it to be an infection. I was so scared and text the father telling him as soon as I'd gone into hospital.
I came out on the 16th Feb and he only bothered to come see me once and that was on the 15th. I just wanted him to be there by me so much but he wasn't. My father had now found out and my parents and best friend spent everyday coming to see me.

I realised I seriously needed help

When I got back home I had to rest for a few days which I hated as it gave me so much time to think and I just wanted to go out, go back to college, work and seeing my friends. The 20th I was finally well enough to go back to work, college and going out.
over the next month I worked in a clothes shop, a night club and went to college as well as going out partying every night. I was doing everything and anything to keep myself from looking back and having time to think.
Only in the past few days have I realised I seriously need help.
I have started counselling once a week a few weeks ago but it took me to overdose to realise that. Once a week though is not helping as have found myself still running from facing it after my hour session and therefore partying and drinking more.

I cut my wrists

Thursday night it all hit me bad again like it had 2 weeks ago when I'd taken the overdose. I had that feeling again that I needed to go and look after my baby. My parents had bought a safe and locked all the tablets up so I grabbed a razor and cut my wrists..something I never thought I'd do. I am now planning to go to rehab and want to fight this and be better again and my old happy self!
PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU HAVE AN ABORTION!
I have written my story to tell others that they are not alone if feeling like this and I still believe that soon I will be happy again. Don't run from it with partying and drinking, or even work as it will catch you up in the end. I am waiting to hear back from a rehab clinic tomorrow so that I can be me again!
If your thinking about having an abortion please please think about it long and hard and have a counselling session before you go through with it, I wish I had. DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT THE GUY WANTS, IT'S YOUR LIFE!!

Editor's Comment

What a very sad story particularly as the father made you feel you had to have an abortion for him, but then he did not support you or stand by you when you were emotionally upset, and going through hospital treatment. It does highlight that you should never make this decision for someone else, even if it does seem to be selfish. The mental pain that you are going through now is coming from the longings you had to keep your baby before the abortion.
I hope that the counselling and rehab will help you. I do believe you can come through this. It will leave you with a scar you will always remember but the pain will go. Follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

Other similar/related stories…

Pregnant with a 2 year old, and 5 month old baby.

Previous

A medical abortion at 40

Next

Help & support is available

If you're struggling through a situation like that described above, or are being affected by similar issues from your past, no matter how long ago, help is available.

You can get free, sensitive & confidential help at a centre near you. Use these links for:

Got a story to tell?

Relating your story to other people can be very difficult but rewarding.

If you'd like to tell other readers, possibly facing the same problems you did, about your experiences please click the button to:

Tell your story →